Style

It Is Way More Expensive To Be My Girlfriend Than It Is To Be Me

And that is a problem.

Just for fun, I pretended to be my girlfriend for a month. I am now broke.

My girlfriend, Jessica, is not who you'd classify as a high-maintenance person or a "pinkies-out" girl. (I mean, she's obviously a princess and not a slob at all and I love you, girlfriend.) But she's no cupcake.

She's an editor at BuzzFeed who works really hard and rarely treats herself, so when my editor asked if I would like to pretend to be Jessica and buy all of the bathroom things that she buys in a month, I, in my ignorant man head, thought it would be close to my own experience, except maybe more tampons.

After all, we are now in an enlightened post-lumbersexual era. It is a time when Old Spice has Smellcomed us to Manhood, and it's "OK for guys to take care of themselves," as the public radio show "Marketplace" puts it. With my own eye cream, face lotion and beard balm regimens, I thought, "I probably buy the same stuff that Jess does anyway." (We share the beard balm.)

Through this experiment, I learned something that everyone else in the world knew decades ago: Hot damn, it's expensive to be a woman.

Jessica and James wear Jessica's makeup.
Jessica and James wear Jessica's makeup.

By our unscientific experiment, it's nearly 50 percent more expensive to be Jessica, a normal woman in the United States, than it is to be James, a pretentious perma-groomed city twerp.

Still, even if you take the makeup, lotions and loofahs out of it, my girlfriend will always have to spend more on herself, just on necessities -- housewarming gifts for her monthly visitor, for example -- because nothing visits me every month.

Even though I'm totally broke until Friday, a few positive accidents came out of this: Jessica now has a replenished medicine cabinet, and I have a grocery list of her favorite things that I can use to cheat and surprise her with pre-approved gifts that I know she'll use.

Here's how we stacked up:

Total Cost Of Things Girlfriend Buys: $326.68

Amazon
Olay Regenerist Daily Thermal Mini Peel ($37.94, Amazon)
Clinique
Even Better Eyes™ Dark Circle Corrector ($41, Clinique)
Clinique
Even Better Clinical™ Dark Spot Corrector ($49.50, Clinique)
Olay
Olay Total Effects Anti-Aging Moisturizer ($21.99, Olay)
Jergens
Ultra Healing® Extra Dry Skin Moisturizer ($7.99, Target)
Tarte Cosmetics
Lights, Camera, Flashes™ Statement Mascara ($23, tarte)
Revlon
Revlon PhotoReady Concealer ($8.99, Target)
Revlon
Revlon Colorstay Aqua Mineral Makeup- Medium/Deep ($12.99, Target)
Revlon
Revlon Powder Blush ($8.99, Target)
Got 2B
Smooth Operator Smoothing Lustre Lotion ($6.49, Ulta)
L'Oreal
Elnett Satin Extra Strong Hold UV Hair Spray ($14.99, Ulta)
Smith's
Rosebud Perfume Co. Rosebud Salve in a Tube ($6, Sephora)
Olay
Olay Daily Exfoliating Body Wash ($6.49, Olay)
Amazon
NIVEA In-Shower Nourishing Body Lotion for Very Dry Skin ($5.18, Amazon)
Amazon
St. Ives Apricot Scrub, Blemish Control ($3.50, Amazon)
Amazon
Crest 3D White Luxe Glamorous White Vibrant Mint Flavor Whitening Toothpaste ($7.06, Amazon)
Amazon
Pond's Cold Cream Cleanser ($8.38, Amazon)
Amazon
Alcon Clear Care with Lens Case ($15.16, Amazon)
Tampax
Tampax Pearl Tampons ($9.49, Drugstore)
Drugstore
Gillette Fusion ProGlide Silvertouch Razor ($9.99, Drugstore)
Amazon
Loofahs ($11.99, Amazon)
Amazon
Q-tips ($2.69, Amazon)
Amazon
Opti-Free Puremoist Rewetting Drops ($6.88, Amazon)

And Here Is The Total Cost Of Things I Buy: $152.46

Closed On Monday
Beard Balm ($18.27, Closed On Monday)
Amazon
AXE White Label Dry Spray Antiperspirant, Forest ($4.93, Amazon)
Amazon
skyn ICELAND Icelandic Relief Eye Cream ($44, Amazon)
Amazon
Crest 3D White Radiant Mint Flavor Whitening Toothpaste ($8, Amazon)
Baxter of California
Vitamin Cleansing Bar ($17, Baxter of California)
Amazon
Garnier Fructis Style Surfer Hair Power Putty ($9, Amazon)
Amazon
Dove Men+Care 2 in 1 Shampoo ($3.77, Amazon)
Amazon
Lab Series Max LS AS Light Moisture Lotion ($47.49, Amazon)

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