I didn't pay attention to "the universe" until I got breast cancer. It was the proverbial wake-up call -- not to eat better or exercise more. I already did that. It was the shock heard around my life to stop being so angry and to focus on what's good for me, not what's bad for them. You see, I had gone through a divorce after 23 years of being married. He cheated. I was devastated and angry and out of control. I needed the diagnosis to bring me back to sanity, and it did.
We hear it said to be careful what you wish for. The universe listens without judgment, without knowing what's good and what's bad, only knowing that what you're saying is what you're attracting to your life and the universe grants it. I don't know if I attracted these things by what I've said throughout my life, but in these ah-ha moments I realize I thought about them a lot.
Early into relationship my thoughts were -- if he finds someone better for him then me, he can go. It seemed easy enough, just walk away. Well he did, and it wasn't easy. Did I ask for that to happen with my cavalier views?
Would I have ever asked for breast cancer? I think not! I grew up in a house full of smokers. I wasn't one. I would joke and say, I'm the only one who doesn't smoke and I'll probably end up with lung cancer. Did the universe know the difference between the lungs and the breasts? I don't know. What is going on here?
I always contemplated a nose job, mine is really too big for my face. Although when I did modeling composites the photographer made me do profile shots. He loved them, I'm still on the fence. Anyway, my thoughts about a nose job were, millions are done every year and I'll be the person who has complications. So I didn't go ahead with it. Guess what -- I was the one in a million who had major complications with breast reconstruction. Plastic surgery is plastic surgery. Does the universe know the difference? What the hell?
So... the universe. I fully embraced that breast cancer saved my life and I started to look at the world differently. I became more grateful and thankful. And realized that the diagnosis could have taken years to discover but for some reason -- luck, divine intervention -- I'm not sure what -- I was lucky to be diagnosed very early. Someone or something decided that my life was worth saving so I got on board with saving it. I must have a calling.
I got into a car accident that could have easily killed me. After being hit I spun out, jumped a median, hit an oncoming car, jumped a sidewalk, flew between a concrete pole and electric cables and into a lake. I climbed out of the sunroof without a scratch. The police asked me how I managed to not hit the pole or the wire -- there was an inch to spare on either side -- and I just said I don't know. Someone or something else was driving my car at that moment because my life was worth saving. I realized I am meant for more.
You may read this and think how many bad things have happened to this person. I read it and find gratitude in it all. I'm grateful he cheated -- I would have continued to stay in a marriage that had no life in it anymore. I now know what makes me happy, who I am and what I deserve in life. It's made me a better mother, a better friend and a better partner.
I'm grateful for the breast cancer. The surgery cut out the anger as well as the tumor. I don't live with rage every day of my life anymore. The past no longer matters. I focus on today and what's to come and it's looking pretty wonderful.
The accident -- is the universe shaking me harder to let me know I matter? It's my time to be here, nowhere else. That's something I still have to absorb and acknowledge and find my way with. Self esteem suffers a bit through these experiences, I always want to be better. I had a scary moment the other day when a thought popped into my head -- is this the best I'm ever going to be? And can I be okay with that?
I'm not really sure how to embrace this all, how to say thank you for my life, thank you for caring, thank you for not giving up on me. And who do I thank? The universe? Maybe my thank you is right here in this blog giving back to this world that has given me so much.
Strange bedfellows -- the good, the bad and the universe. The truth is that it's all good, you just have to see it. It's everywhere. The worst days of your life can truly be the best days. You have to decide to focus on the positive. Realize that there are millions of people in the world who would love to be you even for a minute. And also -- be careful what you wish for. You're being heard.