The Gorsuch Interview

Trump: O.K., who’s next?

Bannon: Gorsuch.

Trump: He’s the one, right?

Bannon: Yes. Clarence swears by him.

Trump: That Clarence, he’s my boy!

Gorsuch: Hello, Mr. President.

Trump: Hello, Judge Garland.

Gorsuch: Uh, it’s Gorsuch.

Trump: Oh, right. Whatever. So, Gorsuch, what do you have to say for yourself?

Gorsuch: Well, Mr. President, I’m honored to be here on The Apprentice.

Trump: What?? What? Oh, no. Bannon!!! Am I back on TV? Have I been dreaming about all this White House crap?

Gorsuch: I’m sorry, Mr. President. I was making a joke.

Trump: Oh. Damn! O.K., then, enough fooling around. I have tweets to tweet. So, here’s the question. Are you going to do it?

Gorsuch: Do what, Mr. President?

Trump: You know what I mean. Stop wasting my time. Overrule that Row case.

Gorsuch: You mean Roe v. Wade? I really shouldn’t comment on that.

Trump: What, are you wasting my time? Bannon! Next!!

Gorsuch: No, wait, Mr. President. Do you mean do I think Roe was wrongly decided? Yes. I do.

Trump: That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking what Pency-boy and Senator, Senator. . . Bannon, what his name? McDoodle?

Bannon: McConnell, sir.

Trump: Right. McConnell. So, Gorsnitch, as I said, I’m asking what Pency-boy and McDoodle made me promise to ask: WILL YOU OVERRULE THAT ROW CASE?

Gorsuch: Well, yes, of course, sir. It was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Trump: Good. Well, it seems you’re my guy.

Gorsuch: There’s one problem, sir.

Trump: What’s that? Don’t tell me you’re one of those trannies.

Gorsuch: No, sir. That’s not it. It’s Garland.

Trump: Who’s Garland?

Gorsuch: He’s the judge President Obama nominated to fill this seat.

Trump: Obama!! Obama!! He’s the one who wiretapped me!

Gorsuch: I know this is an aside, sir, but just out of curiosity, how do you know that?

Trump: How do I know that? How do I know THAT?? Uh, Bannon, how do I know that?

Bannon: You read it, sir.

Trump: Right, right. Of course. I read it. Uh, where did I read it, Bannon?

Bannon: Pravda, sir.

Trump: Right. Of course. No finer source. There you go, Gorsinch, I read it in that Russian thingy.

Gorsuch: Uh, it’s Gorsuch, Mr. President, Neil Gorsuch.

Trump: Gorsuch, Garland, whatever. I don’t care what your name is, as long as you’ll vote to overrule that Row thing, ‘cause I promised that to a lot of people.

Bannon: Sir, don’t forget the other promises. (Handing Trump a sheet of paper.)

Trump: Oh, right, Bannon, thanks. And, Judge whateveryournameis, you’ll also stick with Scalia on (reading from the sheet of paper) on guns, denying blacks the vote, allowing Republican gerrymandering, no campaign finance laws, no affirmative action, more death penalty, more corporate free speech, no gays, etc., etc., etc. Right Gorsland?

Gorsuch: Well, Mr. President, there’s another issue I should raise.

Trump: Another issue? Can’t we be done already? I need to get to Mar-a-Lago. It’s been days since I’ve been there. I gotta get outa this place, as the Beatles used to sing.

Gorsuch: Actually, Mr. President, it wasn’t the Beatles. But never mind. Here’s the thing, Mr. President. I don’t think I should take the seat on the Supreme Court that rightly belongs to Judge Garland. He was properly nominated by President Obama, he’s a highly qualified judge of great integrity, he is universally respected, and although he’s a moderate liberal and I don’t agree with him on lots of issues, he should have been confirmed by the Senate.

Trump: Are you nuts? What do you mean “he should have been confirmed by the Senate.” Mitch McConlin, that’s his name, right Bannon?

Bannon: McConnell, sir. McConnell.

Trump: Right. Whatever. That Mitchy guy, you know, that clown from Tennessee, he says he did the right thing. He knocked Obama’s guy right out of the box so I could have that seat. It’s MY seat. And I get to give it to whoever I want!

Gorsuch: Well, sir. The truth is that what Senator McConnell did was unconscionable. It was dishonest, showed a complete lack of integrity, and violated every norm of constitutional practice and tradition. Frankly, sir, it was an outrageous abuse of authority. And now you want me to reap the benefit of that act? As a man of integrity, sir, and as a good Christian, I don’t think I can do that. It’s like knowingly taking stolen property. And if I did that, both the Supreme Court and I would be tainted forever.

Trump: What are you babbling about? I take stolen property all the time. How do you think I got to be a billionaire? Don’t you want to be like me? Do you think I’m tainted? Do you???

Gorsuch: Well, sir, I do admire you, and I did enjoy watching you on The Apprentice, but I do have ethics.

Bannon: Wait! Pence!! Get your ass in here.

Pence: Yes, sir, Mr. Bannon. What can I do for you, Sir? More scotch?

Bannon: This guy Gorsuch thinks that a good Christian can’t take stolen property and that he shouldn’t take the seat that Mitchy-boy stole from the Kenyan. Set him straight, will you?

Pence: Yes, Sir, Mr. Bannon, Sir. Now, Judge Gorsuch, I understand your position, and I agree completely that if the Democrats had done to us what Mitchy-boy did to them, we’d be hollerin’ to high heaven, and they’d be damned to hell. But if you step back and forget about so-called “ethics” for a moment, you’ll see that Mitchy-boy did the right thing. Think about it. What’s better, a Supreme Court with Garland on it or a Supreme Court with you on it? It comes down to that. The hell with “ethics,” boy, it’s getting to the right result that matters! And remember, this is a Christian Nation!

Gorsuch: Hmmmmm. That’s an interesting way to put it, Mr. Vice-President. So, I should screw ethics and constitutional norms and democracy and basic love of country to go for the gold? I like that. You should be a lawyer.

Trump: So, it’s a deal?

Gorsuch (nodding fervently): Yes, sir. I’m in.

Trump: Great. We’re done here. Bannon, what’s that slithery thing that’s crawling up my leg? Did some snake from Florida stow away on Air Force One? You know how I feel about stowaways.

Bannon: No, no, that’s just Stephen Miller, sir. Don’t mind him. Let’s head to the plane. . . .