Debates are coming up again, which means we will finally return to my favorite pastime: The Great American Sad-Off!
This is where the candidates try to out-sad each other by telling horrifically heartbreaking stories about themselves, or people they met on the campaign trail, instead of dealing with the issues. Here is a perfect example (for best effect, read slowly and mournfully; indicate a determined will to restrain tears with a subtly trembling voice):
CANDIDATE ONE: I was in Baton Rouge Louisiana, and I met a girl who didn't have a face...nor an anus. When I took her little freak hand in mine, I thought about the farmer in Indiana, who died after drowning in a vat of hot pig shit at the family farm, leaving behind his wife, Old "Miscarriage" McGee...And THAT...is why I am against free trade!!
(APPLAUSE)
MODERATOR: Thirty seconds for a response.
CANDIDATE TWO: Well, that is a very touching story, but one time when I was an 8-year-old girl with cancer, I cared for my dog, who had only three legs, one eye, and half a tail, and I thought to myself, you know what's sad? AIDS.
MODERATOR: There you have it. On the subject of free trade...we have learned nothing.
END!
I, for one, cannot wait! Let the debates begin!