"The world is like an anesthetic... people are not going beyond the superficial to the meaning of life -- they don't even ask that question because they're caught up in that anesthetizing process." A Monk of Holy Trinity Abbey, Utah
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of being so distant from my own self. While in the midst of a frenzied work month, drained by piles of to-dos, and in an echo-chamber of my own mind; I seem to have lost touch with the precise thing that brought me here. I'm waking up for a city's premiere of a documentary film I've been working on titled In Pursuit of Silence, and yet, I've managed to lose touch with my own silence, space, and solitude. I've become the precise paradox our film opens our eyes to; I've forgotten myself, my own way of being, and the natural spaces around me. Like an anesthetic fog just after surgery, I've been going through my days clouded by the demands of modern day life.
Anesthesia seems to be an ideal sentiment for describing the world we live in today. We're consumed by our phones, computers, televisions, technology, work, and busyness itself. So much so that there's nothing left of us for the solitude, space, and silence for which we were designed. Our days are so marked by modern day life's measurements of likes, comments, and first place ribbons of who has the most emails -- that we come to the day's end without the depth of sensations we were created to have. Even our allegiance to the word busy seems to fill our mouths like a badge of honor. Our society tells us only a busy life is a successful and productive life, while research and studies continue to quietly tell us otherwise. There's an undertone that busy is a title, a symbol we're doing life right, a life worth living -- but what if it's precisely this busy that anesthetizes us from living a genuine life of meaning, a memorable day, and a life true to who we were made to be?
"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." Socrates
Spreading ourselves too thin is now the law of the land; we insist we're no longer good enough or doing enough for the people and world around us unless we're giving more than what we have. And, as we watch our unique passions, desires, and hopes float away -- we decide it's time to take on even more. We cover our original design with layers of modern day life; we convince ourselves that losing ourselves is loving others more. And still, our purest and richest (in love and joy) selves come out in those moments when we're true to who we are -- listening to our creative urges in work and play, saying a hearty yes or empowering no to those around us, and being able to truly interact with our loved ones from a space of wholeness.
"Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself." Hermann Hesse
For some of us, remaining busy is a way to feel sane -- to keep us running from what is really going on, to avoid the truth of ourselves. But, what if the truth is actually an easier space to navigate? What if our true selves contain a space where we can see and feel more whole again -- perhaps the real world we need to explore is not the world of to-dos and sensory overload but the vast interior world of ourselves. Maybe it's time to turn off excerpts of our anesthetizing days so that we might feel again, recenter ourselves again, and re-engage with our natural equilibrium.
It seems that even when those small spaces peek up within our days, there is never enough time. Sleep is more important (it often is), my phone is more vibrant, those emails will just add up, and between all the day's tasks the breaks to breathe are just that -- how could anyone expect us to do more than breathe in such moments? And we know that we're all so beautifully different in these realms: the ways in which we balance ourselves, the different rhythms that agree with us, and what makes sense for each of our lives. Thus, it's all the more important to tune into our personal ways of being and trust that natural rhythm as we go about our days. The anesthetic fog will come again and again, because it is a part of modern day life -- but there's choice for us somewhere to see beyond that, through that, and let the fog lift.
"At the still point, there the dance is." T.S. Eliot