I had just graduated from college. As my friends moved back to their hometowns across the Philadelphia region, I made the decision to stay in Philly to attend graduate school. I found a studio apartment for myself, moved in and began preparing for what I expected to be an amazing time in my life. I found a bartending job, immediately started classes and did my best to get into my new groove.
As the weeks and months passed I was feeling more and more out of place. The work load of grad school was intense and I had to figure out how to keep up, while keeping up with my bills. And why weren’t my new classmates as friendly as my old classmates? My friends who had moved back home fell back into sync with their childhood friends and stopped calling and texting as much. Just as I had found my new normal, they had found theirs.
I found myself alone in that studio apartment most nights, wondering if I had made the wrong decision to carve my own path, to give this whole independent woman thing a shot. The loneliness I felt was overwhelming. Not only was I alone physically, but I was alone in this experience.
I had lost the comfort and security of being a college student. I had lost the face time that living with my best friends offered. The unwavering support of my classmates that I had learned so much with over the past 4 years was no longer readily available. And I seemed to have lost the certainty that I was actively working toward my happily ever after.
What were these feelings? What was wrong with me? Why was I so caught up in the past instead of focusing on the present?
I was grieving
- The loss of my old life. The life I had thrived in.
- My relationships. The nature of them had changed drastically when we all went our separate ways.
- The loss of how I identified and saw myself up until this point.
- The loss of a carefree attitude that being in college affords.
I had never considered that it would be this difficult, that I would actually feel the emotional weight of these losses. I now see that in order to move forward in my life to reach my goals, loss was inevitable and I had to face the grief that came along it.
Our lives are constantly in transition. At times we resist change because, let’s be honest, it can really suck. But why does it suck? Because we have to let go of, or reconstruct, the old in order to embrace the new. And it’s tough to let go of portions of our lives that have fed us in some way.
Working through the grief that comes along with life transitions can be transformative.
But how do we do it?
Remain present.
- Breathe into everything that you are feeling. Acknowledge and name the emotions as they come up; hurt, lonely, sad. Don’t cover them up, or try to run from them.
Recall a time when you have felt this way before.
- Remind yourself that you are resilient. You have found your way through these feelings before and you certainly do it again.
Make a list of what was lost and what about those things you are missing the most.
- Consider what you have learned from what has been lost. How can you carry those lessons into your new normal?
Now, make a list of what you can gain from the losses.
- What is now possible in your life that wasn’t before?
Consider other parts of your life that you have avoided losing, but may be necessary to let go of as you experience transition.
- Can you imagine taking risk to stop avoiding letting go?
Stop pretending that these transitions and losses don’t phase you.
- Reach out to someone that you can trust to support you; a friend, family member, counselor. The more you isolate yourself, the worse you will feel.
Be patient with yourself.
- Feeling the feelings and adjusting to the new won’t happen overnight. Give yourself the time and love to work through this. And don’t forget to reach out for support if you need it.
Learn from this experience.
- The one thing that we know about life is that it is uncertain. There is a change at every corner and an opportunity to grow each and everyday.
Sarah is a therapist in Horsham, PA. She specializes in working with young adults struggling with issues surrounding body image, self-esteem, diet and exercise. You can find out more about how to work with Sarah and follow her blog at sarahherstichlcsw.com.