The Guide to Appropriate Bachelorette-ing

Watching this season made me think many things. I know that I am not supposed to be thinking while I watch The Bachelorette. When that happens, I am forced to do something about them. So, here they are for you, the future "The Bachelorette" to study. You are welcome.
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Well, folks, this season of The Bachelorette has wrapped. And as all couples before them, Kaitlyn and Shawn are super excited to go and get coffee in public. No more hiding out in cabins in the woods like serial killers while the show aired or having to put on their Elvis disguises and meeting up in the middle of Vegas so that no one recognizes them and spoils the ending of the show. So, take off your fake mustache, Kaitlyn, and welcome to the world.

As Chris Harrison would say, this has been their most "controversial season ever." But unlike all the other times he has said that, this time, he might be right. Watching this season made me think many things. I know that I am not supposed to be thinking while I watch The Bachelorette, but sometimes thoughts other than "oh no, they didddddddddd-nnnnnnnn't" sneak into my head, and when that happens, I am forced to do something about them. So, here they are for you, the future "The Bachelorette" to study. You are welcome.

First rule of Bachelorette-ing is: Don't like anyone before the show begins. Because then that person might show up unexpectedly midseason, and you would still like them, but they haven't stepped out of a limo which makes that affection that you may have shared invalid. And then everyone would be all like "oh no, she didnnnn'tttttt" and "feelings just doesn't count if they happened before the show" and then there would be all of this talk about how he didn't step out of a limo and everyone wished he had stepped out of a limo and why didn't he just show up early and step out of the limo and should they get a limo so that he could step out of one...

And I'm sorry. But there are a lot of men out there. And I firmly believe that men who step out of all types of vehicles are worthy of love. Whether it be a limo, or a cupcake, or dare I say, a regular car. Dammit, one should be able to explore all of their options and love men who drive/step out of all sorts of vehicles. #mymanddrivesapickuptruck #butifyoursdrivesabicyclethatisokalso #firsttimeihaveusedthephrasemyman

Next. Sex. Don't do it before marriage. And don't do it with the person you are thinking about marrying while you are dating. I mean, come on people. This is 2015. Sean Lowe it: have sex, with many different women, get onto The Bachelor and then re-virginize yourself. Re-virginize. I might have made that word up. Who cares. That's what we viewers want. To learn or make up words like "re-virginize." It was my word of the day for at least two weeks.

Which leads us to our next controversy: Still about sex. Wait, I mean about talking all night in "The Fantasy Suite."

Bachelorette, we, as a nation, are only comfortable with the illusion of sex. You know, a wink here, a booty there, an evening of chatting in "The Fantasy Suite." I know, I know. It is all 50 Shades of Grey. But if you want to have sex, and with someone you are really interested in, And you want to do it on TV. Then you should be on MTV's Teen Moms. Not The Bachelorette. It is only acceptable for teenagers in our society to have sex on reality tv.

So, Kaitlyn, next time you go on The Bachelorette, just wait until the Fantasy Suite, where some random people that you don't know lay roses uponeth your bed and your chaste heart can find the loveth of a true gentleman before he tips his hat to you and rides away into the sunset on his glorious black stallion.

And finally, and most importantly, we as fans really want for you to not kick the drunk people off immediately. We would prefer that you keep them for a few episodes. We know that they are all sorts of unruly and that they might not be there for love and sometimes they vomit or pick fights, but they may turn it around. You don't know.

Haven't you ever gotten totally smashed while wanting to stand out amongst 25 other people that were dating the same person as you? No? Well, you have obviously never been to a bar in NYC in your 20s. Sometimes getting drunk is the only way to get your man. It's actually how I met my first husband.

Oh, wait, we are still married.

And thank goodness for that.

Looks like dating in this society is hell.

#bachelornation #isthatlikerhythmnation #janetjacksonrocks #lovemyhusbandandmethimwhiledrinking #althoughiprefertosaywemetthroughfriends #welcometotheworldkaitlynandshawn #andgoodluck

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