At the Kale Yeah! World’s Healthiest Eating Championship (sponsored by Healthy Options) on Saturday, at 2 pm in Buffalo, NY the person who eats the most poundage of kale in 8 minutes will undoubtably be crowned the healthiest human on planet Earth. Kale, once relegated to garnish on free-fixing bars of fast food joints is now the uber-food - lauded for it’s nutrient rich benefits to the body that include everything except perhaps the ability to levitate. It’s got vitamins, antioxidants, flavonoids, bile acid sequestrates, sulforaphane, indole-3-carbinol, fiber, lutein and zeaxanthin. I, however, will not be chomping as much kale as I can in eight minutes for any health benefits. My competitive eating glory will be focused on the $4000 grand in prize money which I will spend on chicken wings and beer as Buffalo is the greatest bar food city in America. I will also be expected kudos and support from the irresponsible protest group Direct Action. After all, a lot of plants will be killed in this eating contest, but surely they will be on hand to promote their misguided message that vegetarianism must be the choice of everyone on the planet. If you are not familiar with this grass-roots outfit, they have charged the stage at Ribfest in Chicago and this week, assaulted competitors, spectators, and a two-year old boy with fake blood at the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest. They claim to be for animal liberation, but terrorize humans to spread their flimsy message. I enjoyed celebrating the birthright of our country and it’s freedoms on July 4th on stage at the hot dog contest and believe in our civil liberties but found the illegal actions of the protest group to be violent and dangerous to all. I will always welcome responsible protesting and differing opinions, but in today’s America, using violence to spread your message is poor public relations. I can only assume that since this Major League Eating contest features a vegan option, the mighty kale, that perhaps Direct Action will simply show up with some ranch dressing to happily hand-out. I think it’s always important to stand up for what one believes in, but exhibiting barbaric behavior to force feed people your opinion…well, that is hard to digest.
As for digesting the kale in competition, it will be finely chopped and lightly dressed with oil, vinegar, salt and pepper. Major League Eating will require a fork and early reports have Carmen “The Mutiny” Cincotti claiming he will use two forks to shovel the kale like a punk drummer covering a “Ramones” song. Six-foot nine inch Gideon “The Truth” Oji will have some difficulty as he has a much longer way to bend to get to the bowls of kale. The favorite will be Badlands Booker - a man mountain who has used cabbage to stretch out his stomach - in an effort to lose weight several years ago, Badlands retired his spray can cheese for leafy greens and has become very familiar with the hearty kale discipline. Badlands also eats to his own signature rap beats which allows quicker manual-to-oral dexterity. Personally, I feel good about my chances at becoming King of Kale - I like a technique food that requires strategy and have been studying videos of hummingbirds eating. Regardless, whomever emerges as the green giant of the veggie world this Saturday, will be able to find dessert at The Taste of Buffalo event. With 450,000 patrons, and 150 of Buffalo’s finest food selections there will be something for everyone to eat. After all, choice in America is one of our greatest freedoms - perhaps Direct Action will one day learn this because no matter how much Kale is consumed, moral fiber is what keeps humans healthy .
Crazy Legs Conti will be enjoying the parmesan baked wings at Cole’s on Elmwood post contest and can be reached at www.crazylegsconti.com