I think we all agree: 2016 was a shitty year. The worst.
For me, it was truly the worst year of my life. More horrible things happened to me this year than have ever happened to me pretty much in all of time before 2016 combined.
At risk of sounding like one of those relatives you wish weren’t coming over this holiday, I will list my woes for you. But hang on. I’m also going to tell you how each of these shitty things have actually turned out to be beautiful things.
But before I regale you with the epic shittiness of my past year, I want to let you know I’m sort of a Buddhist. I was raised sort of Catholic. And sort of Marxist. I settled on my sort-of Buddhism because Buddhism is the only thing that makes sense to me, and because meditation and Pema Chodron books have pretty much saved my life.
There’s a story in Buddhism, a parable. It’s about a farmer. He has a horse. The horse runs away. The neighbors are all, like, “Dude, that fucking sucks. Your horse is a bitch.” The farmer is all, “Maybe,” and shrugs. Then the horse comes back. With another horse. Now the neighbors are all, “Dude, that’s sick. You have, like, two fucking horses now. You lucky bastard.” The farmer, again, is all, “Maybe,” and shrugs. The new horse is wild. The farmer’s son tries to break it, gets bucked off, breaks his legs. The neighbors are all, “Dude, that sucks. Your new horse is stupid. You have the worst luck.” The farmer is, again, like, “Maybe,” and shrugs. The next day the military comes through the village and recruits all the young men for war; none of them will ever return. The only one they don’t take is the dude with the broken-ass legs. “Whoa,” say the neighbors, “Y’all mad lucky, yo.” The farmer, again, is all, “Maybe,” and shrugs.
So, yeah. Basically, the Buddhists realize something super important. Lots of things we think are terrible can actually end up, with enough time, being “blessings in disguise,” while lots of things we think are amazing can actually, with enough time, end up breaking our hearts, minds and bodies into a million pieces.
This year: I got dumped my the man I thought was the love of my life, three hours after he asked me to marry him and I said yes; said dude threw me out one day before my my mom (who is single, lives alone, and has no one but me to help out) was released from the hospital after having brain surgery for a massive tumor (size of an orange, people), meaning I was suddenly homeless AND caring for my mother and son; my father was diagnosed with cancer; a work related project I had high hopes for fell through in a brutal way; and a racist, sexist, insane and idiotic fascist was “elected” as our next president by getting nearly 3 million fewer votes than his competitor.
On the face of it, this is all pretty shitty. But with enough time, the silver linings have begun to reveal themselves. My mom, minus her tumor, has returned to a sunny, cheerful version of herself none of us had seen in more than 20 years. She, being this new person, decided to buy me and my son a house - in cash - with some of her inheritance, so that I would never again be dependent upon a man who didn’t appreciate me. Absent the dude who dumped me, I have learned, finally, to be happy on my own and I was forced, at last, to recognize that I truly needed to learn to LOVE MYSELF, which I have. I am now, for the first time in my adult life, perfectly happy on my own, which probably means that when and if I do find another mate I will be much better equipped to form a healthy relationship. My father’s illness is in an early enough stage that it can be defeated, and working together as a family on doing so has brought us all much closer and has created beauty. The failure of the work project has forced me to go full force on another project that appears to have even greater potential and which has helped me to grow as a writer and human being. Finally, even the “election” of a fascist has brought something beautiful, as I and everyone I know have begun to mobilize, organize, and become involved in taking back our country and setting things right, meaning I have made new friends and seen a devotion to peace, justice and equality come front and center in our society, which had lain dormant for too long.
So, there it is. My Buddhist-ish take on this shittiest year. It sucked, yes, but in sucking there can be a cleansing, ecstatic beauty. All depends on how good you are at oral sex. No, wait, that’s not right. Or maybe it is.
Merry Whatever.