The Hillbilly Force Awakens

2016-01-06-1452105934-6809529-hillbilly_force_300.jpgOn Saturday, January 2, a group of anti-government rebels occupied the visitors center of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. The group was led by Ammon Bundy, son of Cliven Bundy, who became famous, first for mooching off federal land for over 20 years, and second for informing African-Americans that they were better off as slaves. Apparently free grazing land wasn't sufficient for the elder Bundy -- he would like free labor as well.

Calling themselves the "Citizens for Constitutional Freedom," Ammon Bundy said the group seized the facility to defend "the people" against oppressive and unconstitutional federal land management.

Bundy reported on a video that his marching orders to take over the visitors center of a national wildlife refuge came directly from God -- unmistakable proof that the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways (either that, or God has a truly wicked sense of humor).

Mr. Bundy has declared "It is the people's facility, owned by the people."

He's absolutely right about that.

Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was established on August 18, 1908 by Republican President Theodore Roosevelt as a preserve and breeding ground for native birds.

In effect, Bundy and his CCF band of rebels wish to wrest the refuge away from the people and restore it to the people.

Speaking as one of the people, I wish to say "thank you" for returning our land. I think we can all agree that the people's land would be much better managed by armed vigilantes than by appointees of democratically elected government officials.

Now that the land has been liberated, there remains the matter of determining which portion of the land I'm entitled to. I've done the math -- 187,757 acres of wildlife refuge divided by 318.9 million people works out to about 26 square feet for every American.

After careful consideration, I have decided to claim the bathroom of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge visitors center as my 26 feet. I have also made the decision to impose a modest charge for the use of my bathroom facility. I think $10 per visit is a fair price. I'm sure the Citizens for Constitutional Freedom will wholeheartedly agree that you can't have freedom without a free market. This is particularly true in light of the fact that some wish to graze cattle for profit on their allotted land. This is fine, provided, of course, that they do not exceed their 26 square foot allotment. Perhaps cattle stacking would be an efficient way to make the most efficient use of the people's land.

While the other 318.9 million Americans' land parcels get sorted out, I am pleased to announce that my bathroom facility at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge visitors center is open for business. Our new sons of liberty are encouraged to go as often as they like. Major credit cards accepted.