I’ll never forget sitting in the back of one of those “Welcome to High School” nights for parents of new students in the late 90’s. A class President was one of the speakers. After the traditional things one says at these things, he paused to add something else. Basically, it went like this: “Hey, you know we have dances. And you know, if you aren’t sure about asking a girl to a dance, or, you haven’t been asked to go to a dance, who cares? High school is one little part of your big life. No one will care in the end if you go or you don’t go, but just know that you can go. You can go to stuff and have a great time. You don’t have to worry so much. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You’re great, just the way you are. Go to stuff.” Then he sat down.
I had to shake my head and look again. Was that Mr. Rogers inside of that teenage boy? Where did that maturity and compassion come from? He was too young for that sort of wisdom wasn’t he? What was wrong with him?
Later, he and our oldest son became friends, giving me a closer look. It turned out that he wasn’t suffering from a very serious condition, he was enjoying it. The condition? Nicassism (pronounced “Nice-a-sissm”). Who knew? Since this word was only invented recently (here on my computer;), no one could have diagnosed him then. But now it can be known: Nicassism is the opposite of narcissism. Where narcissism is selfishness wrapped in expansive ego, nicassism is unselfishness wrapped in genuine interest and concern for the larger human family.
We may not be born like fluffy little chicks tucked into little eggs, but metaphorically we kind of are, aren’t we? We come wrapped up in little shells of our own needs, and the inside of each shell seems to be decorated with a mirror. Here we find ourselves in life with unlimited opportunities for staring back. Baby chicks work hard to break out of their shells. It’s this work that builds the strength and fortitude they need for life. We also need to work hard to burst through our shells sooner or later.
Then, when the shells are at last shattered and there are shards of shell shrapnel (and excess alliteration;) all around, we can finally see the bigger picture and smaller mirrors.
My grandmother used to say “Get up every morning, and look your best. Then forget yourself for the rest of the day.” She was my beloved Nana, a chronic non-sufferer of Nicassism her whole adult life.
What if we whipped out a virtual magnifying glass and took a look at our world Margaret Mead style? Where are we finding incidences of Nicasssim? Maybe we recently spotted these three “Nicassists” in the wild (outside at a picnic table) discussing their concern for the mental wellness of others. Why it’s none other than Prince William, Prince Harry and Kate Middleton. So straight up here, so down to earth, so compassionate and so well, you know...
And what about all the actresses now stepping forward to accuse Tom Hanks of being nice? Is this another Nicassist we’re looking for?
And what about those chronically nice mormons? There they keep going, rushing off to other people’s disasters in their yellow shirts (recently logging over a collective 200,000 hours in a weekend in Texas), and just generally being kind in a world that often teases them for it.
Maybe, instead of teasing them, we should spend even more time asking them how they are raising so many children to be Nicassists? How are they doing such a generally great job of teaching the wisdom of quotes like “Service is the only door out of the prison of oneself?” and “Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less?”
Like the teenager above, and so many others, let’s keep reminding people of their inherent greatness, and that they don’t have to be everything to everyone.
Maybe there will be times we will have to say like (classic Nicassist) Brene Brown, to those stuck in the shell:
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not good enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
Nicassists can be tough. But they love strong.
If we haven’t been diagnosed yet, no worries, it can be contagious.
Apparently it’s particularly easy to catch during the holiday season....
Happy Holidays!