The idea that we choose how we react is wrong; Start with kindness.

The idea that we choose how we react is wrong; Start with kindness.
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Start with kindness.

Start with kindness.

Kathleen Buckstaff

A girl friend and I were talking on the phone today, and she reminded me of the old adage, “You can’t choose how someone treats you, but you can choose how you react.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought. And then something in me said, “No. That’s not true.” People do things that hurt other people. When I’m hurt, I feel it in my body, my stomach, my throat, my heart. We can choose how we respond to the hurt, and the best response I’ve heard is to say, “Ouch. That hurt,”–out loud or privately depending on the situation.

There’s are false expectations placed on an individual when we say that someone else’s actions only impact us if we let them. This thinking takes the responsibility away from the person who does harm and quite honestly, is a subtle form of victim-blaming. Someone calls you a mean name or does something cruel. Ouch. That hurts–particularly when we look at how it was said or done–the tone and intention behind the words or action.

We are all far more connected than we know. And when we ignore what someone does that hurts us, we let them off the hook and miss an opportunity to practice self-compassion and kindness to ourselves. This practice–naming the hurt, feeling it and offering it love–is a tender, gentle way to be in the world. It invites kindness, stillness, honestly and love.

When we acknowledge that actions have consequences, that what we say and do matters, that how we speak to someone, look at someone, touch someone matters, then and only then do we truly acknowledge our own humanity and the humanity of others. This deep interconnectedness is real, does matter and is the way forward.

The next time you tell yourself that you choose if something someone said or did hurt you, pause. The statement itself is a tell. Something deep inside is saying, “Ouch.” Stop. Feel it. Offer the wound kindness. We cannot choose how we react to cruelty. It does hurt. We can choose how we respond, and kindness to oneself is a good place to start.

Check out Get Savvy: Letters to a Teenage Girl about Sex and Love to learn more about how to love well.

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