The Idiot-When-Convenient's Guide to Finding Love This Year

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Here are 20 ways to find love this year and/or give a sh*t this Valentine's Day:

  1. Fire your current social planner. Uh, YOU.

  • Realize that S/HE (see #1) is the very same "coach" (cough, cough) that advises you to push "snooze" in the morning when it is in fact S/HE who set the alarm time in the first place. Hell, S/HE may have even sold you that cigarettes were cool back in the day, Coffee-mate os a legit condiment and that eating several 100-calorie packs is not cheating on your diet. S/HE has no interest in your happiness. NONE. In fact, quite the opposite.
  • Stop using your kids, your job, your boss, your hatred of online dating as the reason you're not in any action about finding love. It's not true. You are more so just a lazy, righteous and deflecting coward. Ouch, but so.
  • By all means, let your parents off the hook. Who the f*ck sneakily claimed they experts. Would you give either of them your computer to fix 'cause they are smarter than you? Then why are you charging them with should have known better how to marry, communicate and teach you about love. Nice try. YOU are in fact supposed to teach THEM. Woops.
  • Share. If you want people to fix you up, uh, tell them, hell, fix them up too.
  • Be as bold, as generous, as happy as you want your new mate to be NOW or only fellow sad chickens are a coming, if even.
  • List up your list of exes, your "type" and notice your picker's sport. I promise you, you are more invested in something other than proving love magical and for you.
  • Eh, while you are at it, fire your "picker." S/he is clearly friends with your social planner and when you're not pushing "snooze," you are picking men/women to evidence your crap theories, to perpetuate your parent's relationship, to fix your daddy. Yikes. Figure out what you've been busy proving. I promise you, even you wouldn't watch the romantic comedy you're currently in. Even on an airplane! It's too predictable an ending.
  • Forgive ALL of your exes. Even (and especially) if they were extreme yutzes, I promise you, no kidding, you picked THEM for their yutziness. Swear. And, though you will so try and tell the sad story of your failed love life, it would be more appropriate and way more empowering/honest to perhaps don a lab coat, rub your hands together and laugh like a mad scientist. It was, after all, your lab.
  • Only go on online dating sites if you believe you will find love there. If you are game. If you want to prove it easy. If you are out to become the best interviewer ever, out to see signs in each and every date of the perfect lessons YOU need to learn. And, psst, no lesson is a negative one. Again, nice try.
  • Get ALL lies, exaggerations, old and/or funky photos (in a bikini, with your six pack (beer or abs), with your 12 cats, etc.) out of your dating profile.
  • Stop pretending you are not high maintenance. Most of us are. Who gives a sh*t.
  • Your man or woman can handle you and your freak flag, OR sh/e ain't yours.
  • Be honest from the get-go. Trust you can't scare away YOUR mate or once again, you guessed it, s/he ain't your mate.
  • If you are truly done with all of the BS you claim to hate, stop bullsh*tting and say ALL.
  • If you want kids quickly, don't date someone that doesn't.
  • If you want love, the real deal, the forever position, don't date someone who doesn't. How very sneaky of you. It's easy to give your heart to someone whose isn't open to it and look like you are looking for love. Nice try.
  • Get clear about what you want, not what you don't want. It's not the same.
  • Dare yourself to prove a new theory that he or she's coming THIS year, period. If you know yourself as someone that keeps his/her promise to him/herself, i.e. you go to the gym when you say, eat what's on your plan (even when the breadbasket comes), cleans up emotional messes quickly and your word clearly matters to you. Then, your word, your promise to yourself that you will meet him/her this year is as good as duh-ne.
  • Love,


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