If there is one thing I've learned from being a mom, it's this: If you or your children are tired or hungry, it's hard to be kind. A certain level of fatigue and hunger can produce a wide range of emotions on the 'hanger' spectrum, and normal conversations can quickly escalate to become hurtful exchanges. This is probably one of the reasons why I blog about cooking. I know that if I cook, if I teach my kids to cook and others to cook, the world will be a kinder place. Cooking for and with others doesn't just nourish and awaken the senses, it is also a ritual of caring for yourself and others. Cooking provides comfort and feelings of security; it demonstrates love and is deeply gratifying. When my 10-year-old is hungry, she skulks into a corner, crouches, and cries. No amount of verbal strategy can get her out of it. But give her a carrot or an apple? Voilà, she's singing happy songs at the top of her lungs.
Kindness is different from niceness. I grew up in an era when women and girls were constantly told to "be nice." Didn't matter if it was genuine or not, it seemed as though being nice was more about acting and behaving a certain way. Let's face it, nice was the way women were supposed to be. Always calm and charming and smiling no matter what the situation: despite lack of respect, love, or affection; while cleaning toilets or serving coffee to bosses..."Be nice" was a message I heard a lot as a young girl in the 1960s and '70s.
But kindness comes from a more genuine place--it's a heartfelt commitment to the welfare of others. It comes from a place of love, actually. And it leads to a world that's much more forgiving, safe, and enjoyable.
Lately, it seems like the whole world is lacking basic kindness. Brutal elections, economic struggles, and fear of the future have taken the lid off a boiling pot of rage and hatred. While it may seem simplistic to throw some pasta in the pot and make a big bowl of something delicious out of it to redeem that anger...I can't help but wonder where it all comes from. All that hate and rage--has it been there all along and we are just seeing more of it up close due to social media? Are we going through a cycle where this is just the bottom of a wave of negativity? Or is it just an inevitable part of the experience of being human?
What I have learned from years of experience and, yes, therapy, is that rage and hate often come from a place of fear and hurt. Deep down, we all just really want to be loved and cared for and fed and--let's be honest here--sexually satisfied. It may sound like a cliché, but I have also learned that it's truly hard to love and care for another if you don't love and care for yourself. It's hard to be kind to others if you are not kind to yourself.
You can start on that path by affirming that you are a unique person. One of a kind! You are here to discover who you really are and BE who you really are--not who someone else wants you to be. Not who your parents wanted you to be. Not who your friends are. There is no script or rule book other than the one you create for yourself. There are only the choices you make about the kind of person you want to be and the life you want to lead.
And then you can share that kindness. There are many reasons humans prepare and eat 'comfort food,' and almost any kind of dish--from the healthiest salad to the most indulgent mac and cheese--can be considered comfort food at a given moment. I'm not encouraging anyone to eat their way to happiness and emotional fulfillment--I'm suggesting that everyone can better care for themselves and others when they take time to cook and eat together (Need ideas? You'll find 200+ delicious recipes in my new cookbook Scratch!).
Start by being kind to yourself. Start in the kitchen!
For more from Maria Rodale, go to RodalesOrganicLife.com/ByMaria.