1. Everyone looks their best on the Internet.
2. Some people use the Internet for good purposes, and others use it for bad purposes.
3. Unless (or until) a worldwide electrical grid blackout occurs, perhaps caused by an asteroid or overactive sun spots, or just a chain reaction due to a major corporation’s web servers going down, the Internet will continue to live on and connect the inhabitants of the world, for better and for worse.
4. The Internet is always turned on.
5. Everyone feels better when they’re on the Internet.
6. The Internet always tells the truth.
7. The Internet usually lies.
8. There are some seriously messed-up people on the Internet.
9. The Internet isn’t a good place to look for psychological advice.
10. The Internet is ravenous and must be constantly fed.
“Turn It On” Pasted paper collage on watercolor paper. / 2015
11. Someone just baked cupcakes (with rainbow sprinkles on them), a nice juicy steak, cream puffs, 9 pizzas, and a bucket of spicy shrimp for the Internet.
12. The lies the Internet tells are in direct proportion to how good your hair looks.
13. Don’t believe anything the Internet tells you before your first cup of coffee.
14. The Internet wants you to spell LIFE in all caps, especially when referring to your own LIFE.
15. The Internet shines the light of wondrous amazing truth to all its followers.
16. The Internet wants you to be wealthy and successful.
17. The Internet wants to know your secret inner name that only you call yourself.
18. The Internet want you to be AFRAID.
19. The Internet wants you to be FREE FROM FEAR.
20. The Internet is sorry about what happened last weekend, and it wants to make it up to you by taking you out to dinner.
21. The Internet is a pagan priestess from ancient Caledonia.
22. The Internet misses rave culture at its peak.
23. The sucky thing, is, the Internet is really kind at heart, but no one understands how difficult it is being the Internet.
24. The Internet is gobbling up your brain.
25. The Internet totally loves your new hairdo.
26. The worst things happen on the Internet.
27. The best things happen on the Internet.
28. Ask and you’ll receive the Internet’s blessings.
29. The Internet reports facts based on science and reason.
30. Choose to believe or disbelieve in the power of the Internet. Totally up to you.
31. The Internet is whispering words of encouragement that only you can hear.
32. The Internet thinks The Beats, The Beatles, and Beyoncé are cool.
33. The Internet wishes only the best for you in all your endeavors.
34. The Internet doesn’t think you are taking yourself seriously enough.
35. The Internet believes what you believe.
36. The Internet thinks you are taking yourself way too seriously.
37. As long as we have the Internet, everything can be turned around.
38. The Internet is in a hateful mood lately.
39. People find love on the Internet. People find hate on the Internet. So what will be your choice today?
40. Chill, Internet. Smoke some old school mildly buzzy legal weed, like one can procure in Colorado or Washington State. If one wants. But do it soon. Just sayin’.
41. The Internet is better at giving advice than taking advice.
42. The Internet knows what really landed at Roswell, but it’s not telling.
43. The Internet loves how day-old cold pizza tastes, right out of the fridge.
44. The Internet thinks everything has gone to Hell in a handbasket.
45. The Internet thinks things are finally getting back on track.
46. The Internet loves the idea of a worldwide cultural renaissance.
47. The Internet wonders what you were thinking when you bought those shoes.
48. The Internet was invented in the 1950s, based on the concepts of packet networking. The first computer-to-computer message was sent from a computer science center laboratory at the University of California (UCLA), Los Angeles.
49. The Internet is a glorious world-changing phenomenon on the scale of the printing press.
50. The Internet is suddenly feeling very shy.
51. The Internet thinks you’re fantastic. Truly.
52. The Internet wants you to get all the attention you so richly deserve.
53. The Internet loves your dark side.
54. The Internet encourages you to go there.
55. The Internet knows you can go even farther out there. So go on.
56. The Internet wants you to dial it back.
57. The Internet is feeling like a moody adolescent with no desire to leave their room.
58. The Internet is feeling like a 100-year-old who wants to party and get it on.
59. The Internet is inherently awesome.
60. As long as the Internet is around, the world will never end.
61. The Internet thinks you’ve finally gone too far.
62. The Internet isn’t actually into cat videos, but it swoons and coos at clips of baby pandas.
63. The Internet is considering getting a tattoo of your face on its upper arm.
64. The Internet exists in the eternal now.
65. The Internet has always been and always will be.
66. The Internet just drank seven cups of coffee in a row.
67. The Internet often thinks the whole world is batshit crazy.
68. The Internet wants what the Internet wants.
69. The Internet is already nostalgic for the Twentieth Century.
70. The Internet misses Bowie and Cohen and Prince too.
71. The Internet appreciates big mysteries and random possibilities.
72. The Internet is into cave paintings.
73. The Internet likes jazz, hip-hop, soul, and funk. Sometimes it listens to them all at once.
74. If the Internet could have anything that it can’t have, it would be a massage.
75. After that, you could order the Internet a messy, dripping cheeseburger.
76. The Internet believes that springtime is for lovers.
77. The Internet wants the world to feel like it’s always springtime.
78. The Internet is in a silly mood today and wants to skip along the sidewalk wearing a harlequin costume and singing a jolly song.
79. The Internet can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next.
80. Whatever the world has in store for the next 4 years, the Internet will have something to say about it. The Internet has opinions. (Which aren’t necessarily facts.)
81. The Internet is feeling big-hearted lately, and it wants you to feel the same way.
82. The Internet will always fit perfectly into those black skinny jeans.
83. The Internet is glad that people actually read things on the Internet.
84. The Internet is a big proponent of literacy.
85. The Internet wants you to repost this.
86. The Internet is cautiously optimistic.
87. The Internet wants the world to get along so much better than its currently getting along. It wonders how the hell things grew so troubled and full of turmoil and damned difficult across the globe. The Internet doesn’t see the point of thought and belief systems that encourage people to kill other people randomly. The Internet thinks NOTHING has been proven or helped by this horrid behavior.
88. The Internet is all for lasting peace and goodwill toward fellow humans.
89. The Internet sees more gloom and doom just around the bend.
90. The Internet is determined to stay cautiously optimistic, no matter what.
91. The Internet wants some excellently good sushi. Right now!
92. The Internet wants some top shelf sake to go with that sushi order.
93. When spring finally arrives, the Internet will be marching in the streets in a joyful mood.
94. When the Internet comes marching in, the whole city will be filled with joy.
95. When the Internet strolls down the street in its finery, you’ll smile and shake your head in wonder.
96. The Internet wants to help everyone, and it thinks everyone is essentially good at heart.
97. The Internet is completely into the idea of humans living on other planets, but it wants our home planet revived to optimum shape first.
98. The Internet is becoming a living, breathing organism.
99. The Internet is alive inside your mind.