Apparently Neiman Marcus Sells Ridiculously Expensive Food, Including Bougie Tamales

Let's dig in, shall we?

We need to talk about the weird gourmet food you can buy on department stores’ websites.

After reading about Neiman Marcus charging an insane $92 for tamales, we decided to do some further digging. We didn’t even know Neiman Marcus sold tamales. Apparently, they also sell full on, pre-made meals.

It’s not strange for department stores to sell goods like individually wrapped chocolates, candies, or olive oil with gold flakes in it. Reasonably, these are items you’d want to gift and include in an ornate basket of some kind. You know, one for those old friends from high school that have purposefully decided to procreate and invite you to the celebration of their progeny.

Those gift baskets don’t baffle us. This $410 Stuffed Pork Crown Roast ― plus an extra $32 for shipping ― however, does baffle us.

The roast, presumably unfrozen and ready-to-eat.
The roast, presumably unfrozen and ready-to-eat.

The roast “comes with 3 pounds of dried cherry and roasted pecan dressing,” but what we really want to know is: What else is this roast doing for us that it costs $410?

Some thoughts that come to mind:

Does the roast come with a bottle of Dom Perignon? Where does it come from? Will this make my Aunt Helen love me?

We asked Neiman Marcus where they get their foods, like this roast, and a spokesperson told The Huffington Post that they get them from “a variety of different vendors.” They told us they curate what they sell by inviting vendors to send samples to their “buyers to taste and then the buying team determines what they consider the very best that [they] can offer.”

While we figure out how we can get a job as a buyer so we can just eat luxurious roasts all day, let’s discuss the price point of this specific roast.

We know roasts aren’t cheap if you buy them from any old grocery store, but this is just nonsensical. The description says the roast arrives “fully cooked and frozen” but it doesn’t seem to come with a chef who’ll thaw and cook it for us.

Also, if you must forsake your local grocery store and insist on buying a roast online, why wouldn’t you just get this Amazon roast? While 2 pounds smaller and sans cherry and pecan dressing, it costs a mere $89.99 and the shipping cost is also lower!

So, who is it ― who is buying a roast on the internet?

We all have at least two people in our lives that we fake friendship with who would probably buy this roast, but let’s pretend they’re not real for just a second. Who looks at items, like this roast, and thinks, “Yes, that interweb food is what we need for dinner?”

Well, we’ve found two of those people and they are NOT happy.

On Saks’ offering of Linda’s Gourmet Latkes, 24 latkes and one apple sauce jar for just $47.95, a reviewer let it all out. Disregard for just a moment that Trader Joe’s potato pancakes are just $1.99 for a pack of 8.

“Theodora B.” left the review you see below and really did not like the latkes. She found them “tough and dry after baking” and recommends going to your local Polish deli to find better ones.

Theodora wasn’t alone in her distaste for her gourmet meal online-shopping purchase.

“Gretchen1” purchased the Brussels Sprouts Au Gratin and left a scathing review after not receiving what she ordered.

“I planned this for a dinner party when I stirred it realized it was a squash casserole,” she wrote in her review. “Really ended up in a mess -- not very happy- sorry but will not order again.”

It looks like you may need to go offline for your side dishes, folks. The web seems to be a wicked place for small plates.

Have you bought one of these gourmet meals online? We’d love to hear all about it. You can reach the author at:

Happy food shopping!

Weird Gourmet Foods You Can Buy Online