THE BLOG

The Job Description No Book Could Contain

I have a lot of job descriptions.

And so do you, I am certain.

My life boasts the labors as a mama, a wife, a woman in 21st century USA; I am a professional who wears many hats of various colors and weights, spanning from helmets to glittery scarves to feathered fops...

Oh, yes. I am OH- SO- busy.

But it's become abundantly clear to me that the flurry of activity I manage to perpetuate OUT HERE {{ flails arms around like Kermit T. Frog}}, conveniently allows me to avoid all the REALLY important work INSIDE.

I finally realized after hearing over and over again that I wasn't doing what I needed to for myself (slowing down, taking my time, getting valuable quiet time in solitude), that I did indeed need to take time to sit in stillness, enjoy the exquisite peace and beauty of nature, and experience the sometimes challenging delight of awareness of the present. Perhaps you may have had the term Highly Sensitive run across your radar screen this year (and try as I may to avoid generalized labeling as a whole), I strongly relate to that which describe such a person.

Perhaps it was when I determined that the reason my back was hurting on the left side was due to the way I would stand at the sink, poised with my weight only on one foot, in anticipation of leaping away from the dishes to either a.) stir a pot on the stove, b.) retrieve a toddler from their digging for a cheese stick from the fridge or c.) put clothes in the dryer as soon as the washer stopped spinning.

Wow. Really? Spaz much??

Another realization I uncovered was that I since becoming sober, I had replaced adult beverages with being busy, while back at the hideout Son A is 5 1/2 and Baby B is almost 3 (!!!). Life just keeps on spinning.

And how am I? Spinning my wheels at an alarming rate, chasing some dream of arriving at this Utopic balance of accomplishment and control.

As if it were anywhere outside of myself.

So when a Sensitive gal such as myself continues to flurry about in a tizzy, eventually I crash. But not before yelling. Or overeating. Or stomping around, slamming cabinet doors. And that is SO not the life that I want to lead, nor is it the example that I want my boys to witness and create for their own sweet and exceptional existences.

Enter Navaratri, the Hindu festival that celebrates the Universal Divine Feminine for 9 days. It began last week and honors Maha Shakti, the Great Goddess in her many forms, including the Goddess Durga, Durga is a fierce warrior and she has been a great source of inspiration to me, as my work lies in battling the negative mind prattle and dissembling my false relationship with self. Whatever your beliefs or observances, it serves as a timely inspiration for deep, reflective thought, setting new intentions and honoring the light that shines from within, which connects us all.

Taking all into consideration, I have set some intention to create a life worth living, and living well.

I took a huge leap of faith and trust, and scheduled a trip to ashram last November to train with Durga Leela and study her Yoga of Recovery program. As much as this will be an extraordinary time of growth, reflection, and learning that will benefit those that I want to serve and support, it will deeply support my own journey of sobriety and self realization. It is that consideration that I continually remind myself of as the date draws nearer, and I become anxious about leaving my family for over a week.

I have to keep in mind that yes, my family will continue to thrive, and in their absence, I will too. It is a much needed step that I must take to further my own relationship to my authentic self since removing the illusions I so long adhered to under the guise of alcohol. I am terrified, and yet thrilled. I can't wait to experience it, and also to share it.

At the recommendation of my awesome sister in law I registered Son A and I for a homeschool program on Friday afternoons at Common Ground High School which provides some much needed Mommy and Son time exploring, building, collecting, and honoring the greatest classroom of all, the woods.

Being among the trees is easily one of most favorite places to be. I never fail to feel the presence of the Goddess, the Divine (or Source, whatever phrase serves you best) when I am.

John Muir (1870) describes the Hindu Goddess Aranyani as "a goddess of the forests and the animals that dwell within them, (who) has the distinction of having one of the most descriptive hymns in the Rigveda dedicated to her, in which she is described as being elusive, fond of quiet glades in the jungle, and fearless of remote places. In the hymn, the supplicant entreats her to explain how she wanders so far from the fringe of civilization without becoming afraid or lonely. She wears anklets with bells, and though seldom seen, she can be heard by the tinkling of her anklets. ...Her ability to feed both man and animals though she 'tills no lands' is what the supplicant finds most marvelous. ...She is also described as a dancer."

A dancer.

Yes, I once fancied myself a serious dancer. It was definitely in the job description. After spending years focusing on performance, my ability, and the outward expression of the movements (and orchestrating many events and classes!), dance became more work than play. I longed to be a student instead of instructor, but never seemed to rally my self into the space to do so.

Lately I have had deep cravings for rhythmic movement... Free movement that is balancing and empowering, and deeply therapeutic. I know that dance will always be a part of my life, whether it's sly shimmies while on hold at my desk, drive and dance jam sessions on my commute, or in a studio with wood floors and lots of natural light (also one of my favorite places to be), and it would seem that it is high time for that wild spirit to frankly resurface again, but with fewer restrictions and great curiosity. I find myself diving deep into study of dance therapy and the chakras. More on this to come, I am sure.

As the remainder of Navaratri unfolds, all nine days and nights, I aim to continue on the path of awakening the spirit of presence by honoring my seasonal and essential need to slow down, and some authentic intention awareness.

May WE ALL step more fully into the lotus' dance of unfolding, while embracing the balance of light with the necessary darkness of our depths.

Extending deep love and space to share to you busy moms!