As you are reading this, “The Legend of Hercules,” a very bad movie starring Kellan Lutz as the son of Zeus, is playing in many, many theaters. As a service to you, we answered 25 questions about “The Legend of Hercules.”
Q: How was The Rock as Hercules?
A: The Rock does not appear in “The Legend of Hercules.” He is in a different Hercules movie that comes out in July.
Q: What is Hercules doing as “The Legend of Hercules” begins?
A: As the film opens, Hercules is not yet born. After some boring exposition, Zeus impregnates Queen Amphitryon (Roxanne McKee) –- who then, along with her husband, King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins), raises Hercules.
Q: What does a sexual encounter with Zeus look like?
A: A lot like the scene in “Ghostbusters” where a ghost tries to seduce Dan Aykroyd.
Q: Did the audience at the screening you attended find this scene unintentionally funny?
Q: Is King Amphitryon supportive of Hercules?
A: No. King Amphitryon is a jerk who openly despises Hercules, even though he’s under the impression that Hercules is his own child. King Amphitryon prefers his first-born child, Iphicles (Liam Garrigan), who is also a jerk.
Q: What’s the best thing that you can say about “The Legend of Hercules”?
A: King Amphitryon has really nice teeth.
Q: How long do we spend with Hercules in his childhood?
A: Not long. Soon, the film jumps ahead 20 years.
Q: What does a 20-year-old Hercules do in his free time?
A: He rides horses, climbs rocks and swims.
Q: Does he also wrestle lions?
A: Yes, he also wrestles lions.
Q: Does Hercules get along with his brother, Iphicles?
A: The first scene in which we see the two together as adults, Hercules gives Iphicles some nice horseback riding advice and Iphicles responds, in a snooty tone, “Thanks, brother.” Which is odd, because it’s not like the two haven’t seen each other in awhile. I can only assume that every time Iphicles has spoken to Hercules over the last 20 years, he sarcastically refers to him as “brother.”
Q: Is the relationship depicted between Hercules and Iphicles in “The Legend of Hercules” a direct rip-off of the theatrical relationship between Thor and Loki?
Q: What grade did Liam Garrigan receive when he took Tom Hiddleston’s “Villain Acting 101” course?
Q: For the rest of this piece, will you refer to Hercules and Iphicles as Bore and Joki?
Q: Does Iphicles eventually team up with the Chitauri and invade New York City?
A: No. Iphicles and King Amphitryon (with his nice teeth) send Hercules to Egypt … you know, honestly, it doesn’t matter. This movie would have been a lot better if the Chitauri had shown up.
Q: Does Hercules wind up being sold into slavery, then have to fight his way to freedom in a number of public fight-to-the-death exhibitions?
Q: If I went to Renny Harlin’s house right now, what are the odds that “Gladiator” would still be in his DVD player?
A: Even money.
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for “The Legend of Hercules,” what quote do you assume will be used?
A: “It’s ‘Thor’ meets ‘Gladiator’!" – Mike Ryan, The Huffington Post
Q: What’s the most amazing thing about “The Legend of Hercules”?
A: Other than King Amphitryon’s teeth, Hercules’ hair always looks fantastic. It’s never depicted onscreen, but I assume Hercules asks Zeus for the power of salon-perfect hair before every fight.
Q: Is there any reason that I should see “The Legend of Hercules”?
A: Oh, puh-leeze.
Q: What if I’m really bored this weekend?
A: Then rent “Ice Pirates,” or something.
Q: What is everyone really good at in “The Legend of Hercules”?
A: Everyone seems to be really good at screaming. There is a lot of screaming in this movie.
Q: What do you imagine most of the direction given to the actors in “The Legend of Hercules” sounded like?
A: I would assume that most conversations on set went something like:
“How do I convey my pain in this scene? Should I try to display my emotions poignantly, or should I just scream at the top of my lungs?”
“Let’s go with screaming again.”
Q: Is “The Legend of Hercules” the worst movie of 2014?
A: This is the 10th day of 2014, so of course it is. Don’t be stupid. But, yes, this movie is miserable.
Q: Does watching Tom Hanks rap cheer you up?
A: A little bit.
Q: What upsets you most about “The Legend of Hercules”?
A: Of the two Hercules movies this year, the Brett Ratner version will be the good one.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.