The Lesbian Chronicles 20: Charmed

Charmed

In my life

I've collected mothers

like charms on a bracelet

each charm weighing

heavily on my wrist.

Always hopeful the pull

of the charms

would help me to

feel my ground.

My covert obsession

scanning the horizon

longing for another

more luminous

than the last.

Always searching

for a glimmer

of my past

that never was

and never could be.

I felt her before I saw her

walking down my street

late last Tuesday;

her aura shimmering with grace.

I brushed up against her body

almost casually;

needing to share a few words -

wanting to experience

the soft touch of her hand

on my shoulder as I

breathed her warmth

into my frozen core.

"I am so sorry" I say.

(I will lie prostrate in the gutter for you)

"It's all right my dear" she says.

(She has no subtext)

My real life

mother is the antithesis

of soft

all hard lines and planes

no give there -

no breathing space

for me to arrive.

Feels as if I

have been waiting

seemingly forever;

searching to find a

safe someone to

help me exhale.

This morning I woke early

to witness the sunlight

dance through my

heart- shaped mobile

that hangs above my window.

The moment lengthened -

as a thought leapt through my mind

trilling like a tiny hopeful bird.

Now is the time

(trilled the birdie)

to raise myself out

of my mother stupor;

leaving my charmed

bracelet behind.

I shall tuck it safely

into my indigo velvet pouch

where I keep a clay paw print

of my beloved dog's paw.

For I do believe

that I can indeed

someday -

embody the mother

I have been always been searching

for.

K.A.L

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