My IPhone clock reads 1 a.m. and I am wide awake. Why is that you might be asking? I am awake at this hour because I kept on engaging this evening with someone who I believe is emotionally unhealthy and then I magically wished that she would suddenly 'snap out of it' and be 'healed'.
Now I must ask myself who here is the unhealthy one? Yup. Me. Does anyone in HuffPo land know Harville Hendrix? He is a therapist who believes you choose your partners to work out all the shit you couldn't work out with your parents. Since I had a shitload of shit to work through from my fabulous parental units and I am a perfectionist, I worked very hard to find the perfect woman to work through all my mummy/daddy issues. I searched and searched to find my perfect foil and I found her in my ex-partner.
Sadly there is a caveat. In order to heal according to Hendrix, both parties have to undergo Imago Therapy. In my case, only one person wanted to do said therapy and I know you all can guess who that wasn't. Eventually our relationship ended because I could not bear to be lonely with her sitting right next to me in the same room.
Back to tonight : against my better judgment when my ex-partner in question asked if she could come out with me to a memorial vigil for our lost brothers and sisters in Orlando, my instinct was to say no because I had a strong sense it would not go well. I wish now that I had said no, but I said yes because I felt bad for her and truthfully because I did not really want to go to the vigil alone.
I have been working on establishing healthier boundaries but it is slow, back breaking work. When the drama happened I should have just shrugged it off and said to myself, "Well, that was interesting!" But because it was exactly the same mind fuck that my mother did to me, it was harder to shrug off. I felt eviscerated by my ex's anger and her inability to take responsibility for her actions.
Of course I blamed myself as I should have for engaging in this mind fucking repetitive behavior. And again, if I just blamed myself and kept it to myself I would have been sleeping by now, unfortunately I did not. I tried to talk to Marian about how I was feeling about what had transpired between us. Okay, I admit to not just talking but repeating loudly over and over again. "You hurt me! Take responsibility! "
Yes, just what I would have wanted to say as a child to my parents. As you can imagine, it did not go well. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?
Now it is almost two a.m. I am reminded of the words of my psychosynthesis teacher Olga Denisko, who kept reminding me that 'slow is fast'. I am going stop typing now and just remember that tomorrow is another day to practice loving kindness, that building healthy boundaries takes time and effort and radical self care.
I feel very blessed to have this day, when so many LBGT women and men will not.