The Lesbian Chronicles 35: Loving You, Loving Me

While in Montréal last month I met with my good friends Angelo and Stephan. They have been together for over twenty years and are my inspiration as well as my aspiration. Stephan remains the only stylist ever to blow out my uber curly hair perfectly straight and stylish. Stephan personifies the phrase 'The cock of the walk'

Shortly after meeting Stephan, I was introduced to his partner Angelo. Angelo is an accountant, a quiet man who possesses the most soulful blue eyes I have ever seen.

I was invited to their home for a dinner that featured Angelo's famous homemade pasta. As I was getting ready to leave Angelo went to get my coat and I noticed a large statue similar to the style of Henry Moore in their hallway.

I asked Angelo if this was a new addition as I am often in my own special world and tend to miss things like enormous sculptures in my friend's living room. (Really!) Angelo said it was. While on a recent trip to Italy Stephan spotted this statue and coveted it immediately. Angelo told me he thought it would be quite difficult to bring it home to Canada but - as he spoke to me his face softened "Stephan wanted it so badly, how could I refuse?"

Ever since that evening in Montréal, I have not stopped thinking about how I felt while witnessing Angelo's face soften into love. This is the experience I want to share with my future partner. I so want to experience this deep well of mutual love.

I went for a swim in my pool this morning in my ongoing attempt at fitness, and as I was swimming my thoughts turned once again to Angelo. I need to find my own Angelo, I thought. Wait!! I am Katharine Angelina!

I am my own Angelo/Angelina! I thought of this video I watched yesterday. A true light bulb moment to speak in the Oprah vernacular.

The late Wayne Dyer was talking to Oprah about the Law of Manifestation.Wayne said in order to have more money in your life, you must be generous. If you want more happiness, you must be joy filled. You must raise your vibration and become what you wish to manifest in your life.

As I swam back and forth in the warm water,I thought about what Wayne said and realized why I have attracted only un- kind women into my life, because THAT IS HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF!!!

Okay my HuffPo readers, I shall stop writing in caps now, I just wanted to capture and share my excitement!

To review, if I want to manifest a kind, loving soul who will be there for me and can 'see' me, then I must be that for myself. I am so excited about my revelation and the possibility of getting it right this time.

This has been a year of great personal change. I am beginning to take care of myself in a profound way: eating mindfully, (100 days binge free!) exercising mildly, (the aforementioned swimming of 15 - ish laps every second day) trying my best to stay calm and centered.

I've stopped swearing (for the most part, though there is nothing more satisfying than uttering a loud FUCK! when needed) and I'm very mindful of how I speak to others, but even more aware of how I speak to myself. I'm really trying to talk to myself as I would to my daughter Victoria or my best friend Marcus.

What I am not doing anymore is talking to myself like this -

"Oh my God. I'm freaking out and I'm not well and who will still need me, who will still feed me, when I'm sixty-four!"

Instead I am talking to myself in this way:

"I will be just fine. I just need to take a few deep breaths. I'm going to take a bath with my favourite lavender and rose bath salts, then I shall drink some green tea. She will find me. I know all will be well."

And so it is, and so it will be.