I've recently discovered just how difficult it is for me to allow the people I love to be themselves without my 'expert' intervention.
Intellectually I understand that I have no agency over another person; especially if said person is my ex girlfriend Lorraine, but my old dino brain says - If I only make one more suggestion, speaking super sweetly; or would it be better perhaps if I lie prostrate on my hands and knees begging? Wait I know; I know I need to yell !!! " LORRAINE, WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I CAN HELP YOU, AFTER ALL I AM A THERAPIST!"
Oy Vey. All my outsized behavior does is create resistance 'in the field' as my energy work practitioner would say; or create bad juju as my best friend Wendy would say. So here I sit, between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
If I allow the people closest to me to just be themselves, who will I be in relationship to them? Since childhood I have been cast in the role of agent provocateur; I have acted accordingly for most of my life; to give up that role would feel like losing the 'me-ist' part of me.
It is here however, that I must sit. I shall bring my comfiest blanket to this unyielding ground. I am here for the long haul, because I long for peace. Peace in my relationships, peace in my body and peace in my soul.
Rest in peace my wild untamed agent provocateur; you have served me well, but I will not be needing you for the next part of my journey.
Peace is my reason d'etre ; I am living it, breathing it, eating it. It tastes like Captain Crunch cereal.
So once again and not for the first time today, even though it is only nine a.m in the morning, I will forgive my transgressions and begin again the process of allowing Lorraine and all my relations the freedom to just be; while I sit here quietly drinking my coffee and enjoying my bowl of Captain Crunch.