The Lesbian Chronicles: Pride Goeth

When I first moved in to my teeny tiny apartment my tub was not painted properly, there were nicks and splits and the paint was all bubbly.

Management called in these two lovely men who spent hours repairing my tub. They were so proud to give me this beautiful shiny new bathtub and I was happy that they cared so much about their work, and happy to have a sparkling bathtub redo.

But….…of course this story comes with a But…., there was one small problem with my new sparkly shiny tub, there was no traction. It was now super shiny but it was also now super slippery. I kept telling myself I needed to get a rubber bathmat but I didn’t like the idea of my ample bum sitting on uncomfortable rubber. I take multiple baths a day and through the night as sleep often eludes me and the warm water offers comfort, and comfort does not include rubber bath mats.

The tub was particularly precarious when I would put conditioner on my hair, and with my wild beast mane of hair, that happened at least once a day. What I would need to do to get out of my bathtub safely was to get down on my hands and knees and grab the rim of the toilet seat and hold on carefully as I attempted to hoist myself out.

Yesterday something went awry. I think my foot got caught in my shower curtain and somehow I slid and fell backwards into the tub, hitting my shoulder in the process. As I gingerly made my way out of the tub I stood in my bathroom for a moment, just letting the enormity of what just happened sink in.

This fall could have had ended very differently, and who would have known if I fell and hit my head? My puppy Lucille of course, and I’d like to think her barking might have alerted someone, but Lucille leans toward the loud every day, so I’m not certain anyone would have been concerned until it was much too late.

I took myself to the hospital to have my shoulder examined. I thought it was just badly bruised but didn’t want to take a chance that I was wrong and needed the assurance of the professionals. This was the first time in a hospital that waiting for hours didn’t bother me. Yes I was in pain, but I WAS ALIVE!!! I was eventually seen and diagnosed with just a bruised shoulder as I had initially surmised, and sent home with a prescription for pain meds which I promptly threw out as I am more terrified of feeling out of the loop than I am of pain.

On my way home I stopped at my local dollar store and bought this burgundy bath mat which I am presently sitting on in my bathtub, shoulder doused with arnica cream, writing this note at four in the morning for my fellow clumsy comrades and insomniacs at HuffPost.

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