The man who can't remember how many houses he owns cries "elitist!"
The man who said "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should, and "I believe the fundamentals of this economy are strong," cries "economy!"
The man whose running mate denies manmade global warming cries "environment!"
The man with ZERO executive experience cries "executive experience!"
The man who chaired the committee that set a record for unauthorized appropriations cries "I'll make them famous!"
The man who voted with George W. Bush 90% of the time cries "change!"
The man who knowingly spreads malicious lies cries "honor!"
The man whose campaign is run by lobbyists cries "no more lobbyists!"
The man whose running mate has a pregnant, unmarried 17-year-old daughter cries "abstinence!"
The man who cheated on his ailing wife cries "family values!"
The man who can't tell Sunni and Shia apart cries "judgment!"
The man who picked the least experienced VP candidate in history cries "country first!"
The man who got caught in the Keating Five scandal cries "integrity!"
The man who joked about Chelsea Clinton being "ugly" cries "offensive!"
The man whose party mocks service cries "service!"
The man who supported abolishing the Department of Education cries "education!"
The man whose family was targeted by Karl Rove in 2000 cries "get me Karl Rove!"
The man who fought against the Bush tax cuts cries "permanent Bush tax cuts!"
The man who called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "agents of intolerance" cries "I love evangelicals!"
The man who cried "no Iraq timetables" STILL cries "no Iraq timetables!"
A man who touts his running mate as a "reformer" cries "get me more Bush veterans for her staff!"
A man who wants to overturn Roe v. Wade cries "I'm the candidate for women!"
...and America eats it up.
Seth Grahame-Smith is the founder of HomelandApology.org