"Republican Gays are Closeted Dems," says the right wing's faux press watchdog Accuracy in Media.
Turns out that all those gay-bashing gays in Washington aren't self-hating homosexuals after all. They're actually a fifth column, a sleeper cell, a zombie army of lavender liberals determined to destroy the Republican righteous from within.
It's like those Catholics whose real loyalty is to the Pope. Sure, they may write speeches for the bosses railing against gay marriage, but when Ricky Martin says jump, they say how high.
Wait, no, it's like those Jews, whose real loyalty is to Israel. Oh, yeah, they may tell you that man-on-man sex is the real reason that the Muslim world hates us, but just hum a few bars of "Don't Rain on My Parade" in their ear, and just like that they're sneaking hate-crime laws into the defense authorization.
En garde, evangelicals. Pink is the new pinko.