For years I was unfulfilled in my relationships. I felt like I was giving more and trying more then what I was receiving in return.
I was drained and tired. I read about every book in the whole "self-help" section in hopes to find the answer as to why love was so difficult for me to find in this world.
I went to a variety of professionals in hopes to find some answer. Though I realized that the work I had done with them only benefitted me temporarily.
There was something else. Something that kept holding me back but I could never figure out what it was exactly.
And then, I moved to South Korea. The move caused me a lot of stress and emotional strain to work through. However, it seemed that the universe felt I had even more that I could manage to deal with, because I found myself in an extremely challenging relationship with a fellow expat.
It was one of those on again off again kind of dating situations. We'd "break up," be back together, fight, "break up," get back together.
This roller coaster of a relationship only lasted only four months. But despite the short duration, I continued to suffer through the aftermath of it months later. I found myself reading book after book after book seeking for answers. I meditated, I kept a dream journal, I did hypnosis. I tried just about anything I could just to find a way to break this self-defeating cycle that I had in my relationships.
I was desperate -- and I had decided that things were going to shift now. Not in a few months or a few years, but now. I did not want to go back to the U.S. without figuring out what I needed to change.
Eventually, I came across one book that seemed to have many insights that resonated with me.
Though there were many insights in that book that I found beneficial, there was one mindset shift that hit me so hard my body shook. It felt as if a train just hit me and I had to take time get re-centered again. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to acknowledge it.
Eventually I did choose to accept the idea and make the necessarily mindset shift -- and it has completely changed the way that I approach my relationships and my life.
My major mindset shift was accepting the idea that: The people you are in relationship with are guests in your life.
This isn't an easy pill to swallow -- for anyone. We don't like or want to digest the idea that every single person in our lives will one day be gone -- as well as ourselves. We like to hold on to this belief that what we have will always be with us.
Many times we tend to seek relationships for some kind of security. Emotional security, material security, financial security, physical security, etc.
This desperate desire for security comes out of fear. We're afraid of being alone. We're afraid of needing to support ourselves completely on our own. We're afraid of having to rely solely on ourselves. We're afraid of acknowledging the reality that the only person who is with us from birth until death is ourselves.
Yet, the irony is that if we don't learn how to support and rely on ourselves, if we don't confront our fear and accept that nothing in this world is absolute, then we will only hold ourselves back from true fulfillment and empowerment. We create unnecessary tension in our relationships and, most of all, prevent ourselves from truly enjoying where we are in the present moment.
The key is to realize and accept that no one person is always going to be there with us throughout our lives. Even if we do get married, have 2.5 kids, a secure job, a house and a dog, we are still in every single moment running the risk of that all dissipating in a split second.
It is the risk that we take for living and it is unavoidable. Therefore, by confronting our fears of security head on we then automatically give ourselves the opportunity to truly stand in our power. To truly be who we are meant to be in this world. To truly have what we have always dreamed of having.
We must confront our darkness, before we can truly shine.
Take action now!
How are you overly striving for security in your relationships? Are you striving for financial security? Emotional security? Material security? Or, ask yourself: What is it that I most fear of disappearing from my life?
For me, I most feared not having material stability. I wanted someone to help direct me somehow. I also feared being alone. I was terrified of needing to rely on myself without anyone to help support me emotionally and materially.
Share your answers in the comments below!
This blog was originally published on JenniferTwardowski.com.
Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and teacher. She helps women worldwide create fulfilling relationships with both themselves and others so they can live happy and joyful lives. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation.