The Misadventures of Pandora Boxx: The 'Pissypants Incident'

Some people may not realize this, but I was a performer for quite some time before I lost twice on RuPaul's Drag Race. I started performing when Abraham Lincoln was president. Since I've been around and around the block a few times, I have quite the tales to tell. I thought I'd start sharing them with you, and hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as I do. Without further ado I give you "The Misadventures of Pandora Boxx."

One night I was out with my friends after the Sunday-night drag show. We decided to go to a different bar after the show for a little nightcap. It really wasn't busy at all: just a few random habitual drunkards. This one guy walked in, and he was obviously blitzed. He proceeded to put the moves on my drag queen companions. He was all about the "ladies," if you know what I mean -- you know, those of us sitting on a secret. Not one of us was interested in him at all, but clearly, being that drunk, he thought he was giving us Ewan McGregor when really he was serving up Rob Schneider. Acting like any good queen should, my friend Cooki Krisp decided to at least check the meal to see whether it was a regular-sized or super-sized. She reached down, and all she felt was wetness. Jokingly, she asked if he had pissed his pants. In shame, he put his head down and said that he'd been at another bar and had had a little "accident." Faster than a lesbian trying to catch karaoke night, she fled to the bathroom to scrub her hand with Ajax and hydrochloric acid.

I'm not sure which part of the whole "Pissypants Incident" (as it has been dubbed) is funniest to me: the mere fact that he actually pissed his pants at a bar, the fact that he went to another bar with his pissypants, or the fact that he was trying to hit on drag queens with his urine-soaked jeans? I'm still completely boggled. All I know is that if I ever piss my pants because I'm too drunk, I would rather pass out in a dark, dank alley with rats eating my new nylons than go to another bar.

This got me thinking about drinking, alcohol in general and how people act while under the influence. I know that there have been a few random occasions when I was out on the town and I was sober. Though rare, it does happen. Watching drunk people can be amusing and sometimes downright sad. Everything becomes magnified. Jokes become funnier. Stories become more interesting. People get prettier. Heartache gets sadder. Fights get bigger. Bellies grow larger. Like most things in life, there are some good things and a lot of bad things that go with being a lush.

I know from my years of drinking experience that I tend to have a few of those light-drinking nights when I laugh with friends, go home and wake up feeling fine, and then I have a lot of those nights when I drink pools of vodka, act a fool and wake up feeling like I slept under an elephant's foot. I may or may not also utter phrases like "where am I?" and "how did I get here?" and "who the hell are you, Sasquatch?" Some people drink because it helps them break down the walls they keep up. They say it relaxes them. It can also bring people out of their shells. It can make people act more like "themselves." The other side would say that it makes people act like idiots. It makes them do things that they wouldn't do if they were thinking clearly.

I believe that moderation is the key, as with everything in life. Cut to me dressed as Janis Joplin, knocking things over, spilling other people's beer, falling over and singing "It Had to Be You" while having people put straws and various goods in my wig that I don't even feel, all while my friends laugh and film me. I don't regret things like that, because those are the tales that become legendary. Yes, there are a few tanked times when I may have wished that I wasn't so lit, like the time I fell off a porch after leaning over to watch this straight boy pee so that I could see how big his penis was. Or the limo ride to Buffalo, N.Y., during which I crawled through the limo to pass out in the front seat with my head out the window, puking all the way, thinking my wig had blown off (only I wasn't in drag), and then was hung over for two days, thinking I was going to die. Or the time I ran down the street naked, wearing only Prada boots and a boa, singing "I Am the Walrus" by the Beatles. OK, I made that last one up, but you get the point. I wouldn't trade my drunken memories for anything. Embarrassing though some of them were, I have to admit that they are funny to think about and even funnier to tell.

Always drink responsibly, and never use it as a social crutch. You know, even if you aren't drunk, you can still use alcohol as an excuse when you do something stupid. For example:

"I didn't mean to sleep with your boyfriend! I was so drunk that he tricked me!

"I'm sorry I told everyone that you own the movie She-Male Chocolate Suckers 9. I was drunk!"

"I don't know what happened to your $300. I was drunk!"

"I'm sorry I let it slip to everyone that you dress up like Harry Potter and reenact the Quidditch scene in your bedroom every night, with no pants on. I was drunk!"