Once again it is upon us, the most wonderful time of the year. Every year between the day after Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day I catch a serious case of the shoulds. The shoulds include a major home makeover, party planning, shopping for gifts, and any other holiday related activity typically categorized as women’s work. In my own case, the shoulds involve baking several of my world famous red velvet cakes for friends, holiday decorating, scouring the stores for the perfect gifts, and preparing black eyed peas seasoned with ham hocks plus greens to eat on New Year’s Day. Everything about the holiday season tells me that I should be happy and giddy with anticipation. During the most wonderful time of the year there is little room for tears, sadness, grief, or quiet contemplation. Amid the pressure cooker that is the holiday season I have sometimes found it easier to acquiesce and begin shoulding.
Those familiar with my story know that I literally started over with two children, two months of outstanding mortgage payments, an empty refrigerator, and $120.00. At the time, my children were twelve and seven years old. Having grown up in a two parent household I cannot fully comprehend the depth of my children’s pain and perspective on life with a solo mom. Early on I thought that I should makeup for all that my children lost by giving them a holiday season overflowing with all of the trimmings. Even then I knew that providing a lavish array of gifts and other activities each successive holiday season is simply not financially sustainable or realistic. Raising children on one income is incredibly challenging. Solo mothering requires hard choices, creativity, careful diplomacy, and a generous helping of grace. I have entered recent holiday seasons determined to finally fill my pantry with food and then splurge on a few gifts that my children have coveted all year. However, my financial reality dictates that, at least for the time being, the holidays are about managing expectations.
This year I did not want to be so busy shoulding that I missed the most important parts of the holiday season. I devoted this holiday season to meditating on the critical lessons learned this year. These lessons birthed resilience and authenticity, traits that will carry me far beyond the roughly six weeks that make up the holiday season. So, you may ask what were the critical lessons learned?
Grace, grace, and more grace. Over the last twelve years I have received an outpouring of grace meaning unmerited favor. The young people who took time away from a mission project to move me and my children to our new home. Grace. Family, friends, and strangers who paid my rent, bought groceries, and gave me money to buy school clothes for my children. Grace. All household needs met again and again. Grace. Never knowing real hunger. Grace. The last minute full scholarship that enabled my son to attend college. Same child graduated with honors and is professionally employed. Grace. Youngest child a valedictorian of her high school graduating class and full tuition college scholarship. Grace. The list goes on and on. The outpouring of grace has made me empathetic, kinder, far less judgmental, and willing to practice patience.
Depression. Yes, my depression is a critical life lesson. I experienced episodes of depression throughout the year. My depression forces me to prioritize my mental health without apology, shame, or explanation. I learned to sit in my depression long enough to feel it without staying there. The lesson is owning my depression and holding myself accountable for following my treatment regime. All of this has empowered me to emerge from each subsequent depressive episode stronger, kinder, and with more compassion.
Gratitude. Practicing gratitude during seasons of adversity is hard. However, gratitude shifts my focus from adversity to beauty and truth. Practicing gratitude fills my mind with thoughts that are good, admirable, and gracious. Gratitude has made me emotionally stronger.
The holiday season is not about shoulding. It is the season to quietly contemplate the critical lessons learned, grace extended and received, and resilience built in the midst of adversity experienced throughout the year. During this holiday season I celebrated what I learned while preparing to enter the new year manifesting a heart of grace through gratitude.
