Thirty little fingers lined up for me to cut their nails. Followed by 30 little toes. I made sure 60+ teeth were brushed well and three little faces were washed cleaned. I was tired and oh so ready for those bedroom doors to shut and for there to be three little sleeping bodies tucked in each of their beds.
Because that’s just how being a mommy feels some days, right? Checking off the list of responsibilities hoping you’ve done most things right, but pretty confident you did most things wrong. I was tired. So so tired. It had been a long day and I was ready to be done for the night. I started to shut that bedroom door when I heard him say:
“Mommy…”
I felt my shoulders drop and mumbled “what?” without even turning back around to look at him.
But all I heard was a raspy little voice whisper back “Never-mind”…
Why was it so hard to hear the word mommy sometimes? Why did it feel like the word “mommy” coming out of that sweet boys lips sound so heavy on my shoulders in that moment. Mommy… A word I had heard a million times before. It was a title I had begged and pleaded with God to let me carry for oh so long, but at that particular moment it some how felt like an obligation that I was trying to avoid.
Until it was followed with a “Never-mind.”
Because in that moment, I knew my baby boy had given up on his mommy. He knew she didn’t want to turn and look at him and he knew she was too tired to answer another question.
My heart broke as I turned around to find his sleepy face looking back at me. I knelt down at the side of his bed and told him I was listening and at first I didn’t think he was gonna give me a second chance. But then he quietly said “Mommy, will you please sing me twinkle twinkle little star like you used to?” A song he hadn’t asked me to sing in what felt like forever. My eyes welled up as I began to sing. I softly brushed his hair off his forehead, and studies his sleepy eyes. I couldn’t help but to wonder how many other times he had wanted to ask me this very question, but instead he told himself never mind.
For years every single night I would rock him while singing him that very song. But one day he stopped asking for it , and one day I stopped insisting we sing it just one more time. Over time the rocking had been passed down to his little sister, and before I knew it my baby boy was getting ready all on his own and climbing into bed without the help of his mommy.
As I finished the song he wrapped his little arms around my neck and just like that the weight of being mommy in that moment fell to the floor. All the mental check boxes that still needed to be checked disappeared and for the first time that day I was still. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I stopped thinking about the things that needed to get done. I stopped worrying about the things that hadn’t gone as planned, and I stopped rushing through the hugs and kisses that were reserved just for me.
The truth is, being mommy is hard sometimes. There are times it’s unrewarding, and times it’s wrapped up in complaints and back talking. Some days it can even feel more like a chore than a privilege.
But on most days it’s the only thing that matters. It’s the only thing that gets me through my day. Those three little voices and those three little kisses make every other part of life feel insignificant. The moment their little hand slips into mine are ones I will forever cherish and hope never to take for granted. And no matter how the day went or how tired I may feel that night, I never want to go to bed wondering if there is a little boy or girl in the next room wishing for their mommy to sing twinkle twinkle little star to them before they drift off to sleep.
But instead the song was replaced with a whispered “never-mind”.
To read more from Nicole, check out her blog: Mommy's Front Porch View