The days of meeting someone through a friend, having a long courtship, settling down and getting married are a thing of the past. Nowadays, many people meet online. Tinder, Grindr, Match, OK Cupid are easy ways to meet potential love interests, but with these ever changing ways of finding the next love of our lives come a whole new set of standards in dating that need to be followed. Because it's 2016 and let's face it, you've got a better chance of giving a guy a handjob in the back of a taxi after a shitty night of dim sum than you do a peck on the cheek after an ice cream social, it's time to rewrite the rules of dating for this generation.
1. Respond in a Timely Fashion.
Again, it's 2016. I don't care who you are or what you do; chances are your smartphone is attached to your hand. So, if your new sweetheart shoots a text, it's proper etiquette to respond in a timely fashion. I say up to twelve hours within receipt of the text, but even that's being generous.
Here are a few valid excuses for not returning a text within twelve hours:
- Alien abduction.
- Being traded into a white slave trade, underground prostitution ring, or something to that effect.
- Finding out a relative you thought was dead has come back from the dead (though, this is debatable.)
- Your phone was stolen by a drug cartel.
- Your death.
Here are invalid excuses for not returning a text within twelve hours:
Work is crazy.
Everyone is busy these days. Unless you run a Jennifer Lopez sized corporation, a timely response to a text is important when you're dating someone. "I'm busy at work, text you in a bit." See, that took me all of seven seconds to type.
A death in the family.
"Sorry, my mom died. Call you tomorrow." Again, super-fast to type. And if you play your cards right, you'll probably get an Edible Arrangement out of that one.
I'm out with friends.
Again, just freaking respond.
It's important when dating someone to respond to communication. Because for every text that remains not responded to, there's a desperate thirty-something white girl grasping a bottle of Pinot in one hand and the hope that the douche bag she met three weeks ago on Match is the one in the other.
2. Be True to Yourself.
We seem to be so interested in pleasing other people that we tend to lose what we want out of life and relationships to accommodate others.
So instead of settling because you don't think you'll find someone better, simply say:
"I know you have a secret family living in Virginia. I'm not comfortable with it, and I'd like to no longer be dating you."
It's so much easier than settling.
3. Ask Questions.
Because we are so connected without ever having to actually meet one another in person - ask questions on a first date. Many people don't update their Facebook or OK Cupid profiles for many years. Just because your new date listed ABBA, The A-Teens and Ace of Base as musical groups she likes on her profile, it doesn't necessarily mean she still likes them. Face it, we've all be through a Swedish pop phase at one point in our lives, but unless you ask your date what his or her interests are in person, you'll never know. You may be the Nancy Drew of internet sleuthing but you can never assume you know someone based off of social media. If you're old enough to read this, you're old enough to realize ninety percent of what you see on social media is bullshit anyway.
4. Go on an Adventure.
Or find someone to show you around town. It adds excitement to every date. Example: last week a man (or child, I'm still not sure which) asked me on a date. It was nice outside so he suggested we go to a rooftop pool. Seeing as I am not a Rockefeller and do not have a rooftop pool nor do I know someone who does, I listed off other possible adventurers we could take together:
Going to Coney Island, going to Atlantic City for the day, going to Central Park, going to The Cloisters, going to a movie, going for a ride on the ferry, seeing a show or going for a walk along the river.
Eight very viable date options (and if you live in NYC, feel free to steal any or all of these). When he didn't like any of those, he asked to come over for hanky-panky and I responded "OK." I never heard from him again and assume he's under investigation from the FBI (See: Number 1.) Anyway, the point of this is that there are so many fun things to do in every city - find something great and keep it light. Post-adventure sex is very hot - trust me.
5. Keep Your Lies in Check.
It's harder and harder to lie because we are all so connected and yet everyone continues to do so in such a cavalier fashion that it's mind-bobbling. If you tell someone "I am working late, I can't make it out tonight," don't turn around and post a picture on Instagram of you and your bros throwing some beers back at a bar two hours later. Number 5 here baffles my mind because people continue to do this all of the time and no one seems to learn their lesson. Say you have other plans or just flat out say you don't want to hang tonight. Of course, you could always just try to not lie - but that thought never seems to cross anyone's mind these days. I that know being honest has its downside like being trusted, reliable, kind-hearted and a respectable member of society, but I assure you it's better than lying.
6. Stop Ghosting.
If it comes to a point when you are no longer interested in the person you are dating, please let them know in an adult manner. I understand that millennials were never held as children and therefore don't understand human or adult connections outside of the devices implanted onto their hands, but dropping off the face of the earth without warning is not nice. Every action has a consequence and if you do something to someone else that you wouldn't like having done to you, chances are the person you're doing it to won't like it either. Any excuse for breaking up is better than none at all. Come up with something, anything. Such as: "The pattern of your back hair really, really offends me, therefore, we can no longer date. Thank you and goodnight." See how easy that was? And remember, you can ghost all you friggin' want, but if you have an unlocked Facebook or Instagram account, chances are, your ass is getting found one way or the other.
I hope this has helped you navigate the dating world in 2016 a bit better. I guess not much has really changed, because the moral or the story is, if we're all just honest and kind to each other while dating, everything else just falls into place. If it hasn't, just do what my mother does: run a criminal background check on everyone you go out with from now on. It saves so much time.
Happy Dating!