The New Testament, as Rewritten By the NRA

You have probably heard that the National Rifle Association (NRA) has published a couple of revised fairy tales, specifically Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, to emphasize the security and safety that come from carrying a firearm. Not unexpectedly, the liberal, anti-gun lobby has jumped all over the NRA for this creative effort to convey the true story about firearms.

Of course, the NRA is right on target. Firearms ensure peace. My only quibble is that the NRA aimed too low. Why fairy tales? Why not make use of the greatest story ever told to talk about the greatness of guns? Herewith my suggestions for how beloved New Testament stories can be respectfully rewritten to bring home the NRA's valuable lesson:

Miracle of the Guns and Ammo

When the crowds learned that Jesus was heading to the gun show, they followed him, hoping to hear his word and buy weapons he might recommend. However, Caesar had recently issued a decree banning gun show sales. As the disappointed crowd filed into the parking lot, Jesus's disciples came to him and said, we have but two guns and five bullets to share with this crowd. But Jesus blessed the guns and bullets and bade his disciples to set them before the crowd, and all left satisfied with a choice weapon and a full magazine.

The Good Samaritan

Jesus told this parable, "A man left on a journey. He was hoping to carry some protection with him, but he had to leave quickly, and a ridiculous 72 hour waiting period prevented him from obtaining a gun. Defenseless, he was assaulted while on the journey and left by the side of the road. The man asked a traveler who happened by for a weapon so he could track down his assailants. But this traveler was an anti-gun zealot and ignored the man. Another traveler happened by, but this traveler was a liberal legislator and he also ignored the man's plea. Then a Samaritan who was an NRA member happened by. He happily shared a spare Glock that he had with the man and together they drove off to find the assailants and bring them to justice."

Testing by the Pharisees

Then the Pharisees went and took counsel on how to entangle Jesus in his talk. "Teacher, we know that you emphasize the safety and security that firearms bring, but if firearms are freely available to all without any reliable background checks, will this not decrease safety by putting firearms into the hands of those who would use them to bring about evil?" Jesus calmly pulled back his mantle to reveal a SIG Sauer P226, and said, "Here's your answer." And the Pharisees troubled him no more.

In the Garden at Gethsemane

Now it came to pass that the authorities decided to arrest Jesus, as his vigorous advocacy of Second Amendment rights was causing a tumult. For protection, Jesus always carried with him both a handgun and an AR-15, but Judas, a disciple who betrayed Jesus to curry favor with the Hollywood crowd, stealthily removed these weapons while Jesus slept. So the authorities came up and laid hands on Jesus and seized him. One disciple pulled out a knife and cut off the ear of one of the jackbooted government thugs. To this Jesus said, "An ear? Really? Is that the best you can do?"

These are suggestions only. I'm confident the gifted and inspired writers for the NRA can come up with even better stories. It's time to recruit the Prince of Peace as a spokesperson for the NRA's message of peace.