The New X-Files: Fox Mulder & Friends

A deserted underground parking garage. Two familiar figures step out of the shadows:

MULDER: It's good to see you again, Scully.

SCULLY: It's good to see you again too, Mulder. It's been a long time. What have you been up to these last thirteen years?

MULDER: The truth is still out there, Scully, and I'm going to expose it if it's the last thing I ever do.

SCULLY: Oh, Mulder, when are you going to ever learn? Nobody's going to believe the Earth has been invaded by space aliens. Even I don't completely believe it, and I've been kidnapped by aliens, had an alien microchip implanted in the back of my neck, and been impregnated with alien black "love" juice.

MULDER: This is bigger than that. That's why I contacted you. You're the only person I trust. The conspiracy goes all the way to the top--to the President's office!

SCULLY: The President is a space alien?

MULDER: No, worse than that -- he's a Muslim.

SCULLY: Wait, what did you just say?

MULDER: The President is a Muslim born in Kenya. He's going to impose Sharia law on the United States and take all our guns away.

Scully starts laughing hysterically.

MULDER: This is no laughing matter, Scully! At this very moment, Christians are being rounded up, sent to re-education camps, and forced to participate in rainbow unicorn-themed gay marriage ceremonies.

SCULLY: Mulder, do you have black helicopters in the belfry, or have you been watching Fox News?

MULDER: Of course I watch Fox News! Why do you think they call me Fox? While I was hiding out in various safe houses in Vancouver, I had a lot of time on my hands to catch up on cable news. And what I saw on Fox was a real eye-opener. Did you know global climate change is a hoax perpetrated by greedy scientists to take away our light bulbs and force us to wear cardigan sweaters? It's all a plot by Big Wool.

SCULLY: Mulder, Fox isn't a real news channel! It's a right-wing propaganda machine for the Republican Party! It's run by Roger Ailes, a well-known GOP operative. He got his start putting Richard Nixon in the White House. He makes Eugene Tooms look like a vegan.

MULDER: I thought he got his start producing The Mike Douglas Show. Never mind. The slogan of the channel is "Fair and Balanced." How can they be a right-wing Republican propaganda machine if they're fair and balanced? Next you're going to be telling me Bill O'Reilly wasn't there when Christ was killed.

SCULLY: You've been hanging out with the Lone Gunmen too much. That's known as trolling the audience. You make deliberately provocative statements to elicit a response. It's like armpit farts -- it doesn't matter whether it's true or not, as long as it gets attention. And ratings.

MULDER: You mean death panels aren't giving lethal injections to senior citizens to steal their Social Security benefits for illegal immigrants?


MULDER: You mean ISIS isn't smuggling children infected with Ebola across the Mexican border and sending them to Disneyland?


MULDER: You mean the CIA isn't paying drug cartels to hook our kids on medicinal marijuana and turn them into welfare moochers?


MULDER: You mean the NSA isn't reading all our email and listening to all our phone conversations?

SCULLY: Okay, Mulder, that one is true. Even Sean Hannity is right twice a day.

MULDER (despondent): I just can't believe Megyn Kelly would lie to me like that. What can I say? I have a weakness for pretty blondes.

SCULLY: Megyn Kelly's blond hair is as real as her news. That's why it never worked out romantically between us, Mulder -- you're too gullible, too ready to believe every conspiracy theory. I need someone more skeptical in my life, someone who appreciates scientific empiricism.

MULDER: I guess you're right... wait, what's that on your lapel?

SCULLY: Oh, it's nothing -- just a campaign button.

MULDER: It says "Ready For Hillary." Ready for Hillary to do what -- turn herself into the authorities for sending Nigerian lottery spam from State Department email servers?

SCULLY: It's just that I believe America is ready for a female president. She's been First Lady, a U.S. Senator, Secretary of State. She's a grandmother. And she looks like the Terminator in dark sunglasses...

MULDER (crossing his arms in front of his face): Oh my god, you're one of them! Stay back! BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!

Mulder runs off screaming Benghazi into the darkness.


Scully starts to go after him, but a tall, thin man smoking a cigarette steps from the shadows and stops her.

SCULLY: You heard?

THE SMOKING MAN: I heard everything. He's getting too close to the truth. He'll have to be eliminated. You know what to do.

SCULLY: Yes, Barack.