On Tuesday of this week, I quit my job as an in-home nurse. I was scared, and I am still scared because I don't know what will happen. Fear of the unknown has kept me in a job that I was unhappy with, a job that I was mistreated at, and a job that I was made to feel small for the sake of paying my bills and security.
I am a mother, a single mother and that plays a major role in my decisions to stay in unhappy situations for the sake of security. This week I had a strong urge that I needed to let go of insecurities and take a chance on life and take a chance on faith and see where this path leads, by stepping out in a direction towards living in a more fulfilling way. I didn't just want (and I still don't) little moments of happiness or tiny snippets that had to last me through the week. I wanted each day to be full of happiness. Now that is not to say that I did not find happiness in my everyday life before, I would go to work and make the best of it, observing the sunrise and sunset as I drove to work although still tired from not having rested enough. I would enjoy the wind on my way to various destinations. I would, you know, enjoy my environment most days, but I wasn't fully happy, and I wasn't able to do what I really wanted to do. I did not want to be a nurse anymore.
I wanted to be someone that took time to understand her life and the lessons of life and share it with anyone that was interested, my daughter being the main focus of these discoveries. Because of my schedule and my work, I wasn't spending enough time with her, and I didn't have enough time to observe and meditate and understand the lessons that were coming my way; I didn't have enough time to center myself, and I didn't have time to meet myself every day. It was a constant rat race. It took a situation that wasn't very positive to trigger the decision to quit. I fought my gut instinct many times to leave, but finally, I asked God for a sign and that sign came. It was clear as a bright, sunny day and this time, I did not doubt it. I submitted to it and surrendered to building my faith and finding my path.
After my spirit calmed from making such a decision, I realized what I needed to do was to be still and listen for the Next Step. Those were my exact words to a couple of friends, but I still wasn't 100% sure I was doing the right thing. Although I didn't regret quitting, rather I was quite relieved to not have such energies draining my day, I still wasn't totally sure that I wasn't being irresponsible. I mean afterall, I have a daughter to support. But confirmation came to me that night, in a quote on Instagram which said "when the intuitive nudge from within is there, act." However, this was not the only confirmation I got. The next day a friend on Facebook posted a video of Oprah's Stanford Graduate School of Business interview, where she explains it so eloquently as she always does. She specifically states "be still, to listen for the next step." If that is not a confirmation, I don't know what is. She also says not to get overwhelmed, which I am trying not to do as I think about how I am going to survive without a paycheck.
So, this is where I am in the process: I am being still and all I hear right now is to write as much as I can and travel, Europe first, and then I will be still again to listen for the next step. Will I have to guts to actually go? Only time will tell. I hope I do though, and I hope I go and discover new things and lessons. I am both excited and scared, but not especially worried as I usually am.
If so inclined please feel free to purchase my poetry book. It's pretty cool and explores my varied emotions through self love, and will assist in my journey to financial freedom. The links are below.