About a month ago, the gynoticians of the Texas state legislature introduced an unprecedented bill with regulations that would effectively cut the state's abortion clinics from 42 to five. Not to be outdone, North Carolina's Republican-led General Assembly (NCGA) responded with a bill that would allow only one abortion clinic in the state, which would be conveniently located in the picturesque mountains of Asheville, N.C. Fortunately, however, the assembly has laid out clear-cut rules so that anyone with a Ph.D. from an Ivy League school can comprehend them.
To engage in a conversation about reproductive health with a NCGA-ordained physician, women must first scale the face of a 2,000-foot-tall cliff while singing Christian hymns and carrying a rucksack of high school "practice babies," a feat that would test even the sneakers of Wendy Davis.
At the Summit comes a round of Jeopardy! against two IBM computers, hosted by Todd Akin, featuring such categories as "14th century Sri Lankan Poetry," "Guess the Gay: Pedophile or Hairdresser" and "Why All Women Are Sluts." Ladies start with negative 14,000 points, but can actively avoid community shame for their rapes by answering correctly on the Daily Double, or alternatively, repenting publicly for their sins and vowing to always use the buddy system after 7 p.m.
Following these preliminary purity tests, and upon proving American citizenship with three separate IDs -- including a birth certificate notarized by Gov. McCrory -- a woman must obtain written permission from both her father and husband and qualify with the appropriate hue of whiteness. A membership card for Trader Joe's or proof of purchase of Daft Punk's new album may also be used as a substitute to satisfy the latter requirement.
If the criteria are deemed satisfied by a midnight NCGA vote (the appropriate manner given the Legislature's knack for attaching anti-abortion amendments to motorcycle and religion bills), the procedure shall be performed under the ordained physician's close supervision on the back of a pink motorcycle at the Summit's "Faith, Freedom, and Family" Center. The woman will be required to wear a helmet and a straitjacket for her own safety; the helmet will be optional for all doctors. The entire process should take no more than two weeks to complete, and the time missed cleaning her husband's house will surely be forgiven by expertly basting turkeys and ironing boxer-briefs.*
Of course, all of these necessary provisions are carefully enacted in order to protect the health and safety of women in the great state of North Carolina. It is the state government's duty to step in where the federal government failed so abysmally in 1973. North Carolina has to make sure that the female species can pass all these tests before asking permission to make final decisions about their apron lengths or their uteruses.
As a final note, women will have the special privilege to voice their support of the latest bill, between 4:00-4:15 p.m. next Monday afternoon, just after picking their children up from school and in time for their mandatory 700 Club viewing.
*The entirety of these provisions may be found in Chapter 15 of Leviticus or in The Motorcycle Vagina Protection Bill.
This piece is part one of the NC Twilight Zone satire series co-authored by NC native Annie E. Clark and blogger Charles Clymer.