For the past few weeks, the popular satire newspaper The Onion has been running stories in this briefs section that put the outgoing president through massive physical trauma... and then forgo a punchline.
KANSAS CITY, MO--President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president's left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
In the weeks leading up to the above story, President Bush has fallen down the stairs of the Washington Monument, had his arm taken off by a crocodile, and passed a three-pound kidney stone.
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