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The Only List You Need for Christmas

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So this is what happened again. I was telling my good friend, Timothy Theiler (, about the self-inflicted stress of gift-giving that the holiday season is falsely creating on many around me. Tim, in his infinite wisdom and with his quiet demeanor, said this to me:

"Tell your friends that rather than let your fears and stress take charge of you, you should take charge of your shopping list & in doing so, you make Christmases more manageable for years to come. Here's a list of something for everyone:

Let's start with a nice stocking stuffer. How about Retroactive Birth Control - For the friends who you wish were never born in the first place.

Ear plugs- For the people who never listen anyway.

An artificial tree to match her personality.

A well-hung stocking so he can have something well hung - For the perpetually unsatisfied and inadequate man on your list.

A self-addressed THANK YOU card for ingrates.

A ventriloquist so that when you talk out of your ass it seems more authentic.

A No- Parking sign for your yard to keep away the unwanted, persistent bores.

A cell phone shaped Taser for the co-worker who just won't stop chatting at lunch.

The return receipt without a gift because nothing's good enough for them anyways.

A one-way ticket to anywhere else. Just go. Now.

A more honest Christmas letter template that includes sections for failed relationships, side effects from medications, persistent rashes, college dropouts, apathetic millennials living in the basement.

Gift wraps, gummy worms and tapeworms in a basket.

Kidney stone ornaments- Because you went to great pains to produce this passing gift.

For the food connoisseur- A savory reindeer meatloaf, two turtle doves in a crockpot, a partridge in a pear-raisin sauce.

And here's the ultimate gift, somewhat expensive but so worth it- A defective parachute with a selfie stick.

Merry Christmas Y'all!"

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