Written by: Marnina Reid
It happens all the time. We often find ourselves wishing someone else was different -- our parent, spouse, friend, boss, lover, etc. This might be one of the toughest life lessons to find peace with. How many times have you personally found yourself venting about someone you love that triggers the worst feelings inside of you? As we vent to our trusted friends we are essentially building our case and justifying our feelings -- sadly, reviving all of the negative thoughts and feelings we keep bottled up. Haven't we all been there? I certainly have.
It's been said time and time again that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world, and that if something appears outside of ourselves that we don't like it is a reflection of some unhealed part of us. It's not always a direct reflection but a reflection nonetheless. But how do we gain clarity, relief, and peace while navigating through these uncomfortable situations? How do we get that uncomfortable feeling of wishing someone was different to go away? How do we find acceptance?
We do so only by looking at ourselves.
It's true that when we find ourselves filled with different emotions towards someone else like frustration, irritation, sadness, fear, or even love and compassion, it's because something about that person reflects a past event, energy, feeling, or attitude that affected us. We often see this in our most intimate relationships because intimacy has a way of bringing up our worst unresolved emotional issues while also creating blissful and loving feelings. And if we are not careful, we will project our negativity onto the other person blaming them and holding them responsible for how we feel instead of accepting our role in the matter.
What many of us do, especially to those we really care about, is to try and get them to be different, change their behavior, or "help" them see another perspective. We are allowing old wounds to reopen and expecting a new person to help them heal.
This is all understandable and a part of the process. It is our responsibility to teach people how to be with us and to let them know what is and what is not acceptable.
One of the many ways we create more pain for ourselves is by believing that we need people to act a certain way so that we can feel good. We base our fulfillment and happiness on someone else's behavior creating a codependency trap. I believe the most important work that we can do is to practice staying connected to our own sense of fulfillment and clarity even when the conditions are not optimal and when the people we love are not acting in a favorable way.
On "Oprah's Super Soul Sessions," Iyanla Vanzant spoke directly to this issue. She talked about how she believes that is unkind to ask someone to be someone other than who they are, or to be someone that they have repeatedly demonstrated they are not. Do you agree? Can you relate?
Think about the person in your life that continually doesn't show up in the way that you would like or in a manner that would be fulfilling for you, yet you keep asking them to do things differently. The lesson here is believing who people demonstrate themselves to be.
In the past, I used to give the benefit of the doubt to others by making excuses for them. When people would show me who they were, I would make excuses for what they were showing me through their bad behavior and actions instead of believing what they were showing me. While it was nice that I could acknowledge the greater essence of who they could become; my experiences showed me consistently that they weren't there yet, and I could then decide if their position worked for me or if it was time to move on. I have learned to believe people when they show me who they are.
When people we love disappoint us by not showing up, or coming through for us in the way that we would desire for them too, it really has nothing to do with us. It has to do with them and how they are able to show up for their own self. A person can only love us as much as they love themselves. The more we are able to find acceptance for ourselves within our natural highs and lows, the more room we will have internally to accept others and to empathize with them while we love ourselves enough to still take care of ourselves through any situation that may arise.
Marnina Reid is a nationally certified Holistic Health Practitioner in San Diego, CA. She works one-on-one with people in person and online via her program "Renew You." She is the co-author of 101 Ways to Improve Your Life Vol. 3 and 20 Beautiful Women Vol. 3 and is one of the former owners of Body Mind College in San Diego, CA. She has a free weekly video blog on everyday stressful situations. Marnina believes anything can be healed when the deeper root is addressed.