Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Festivus to the rest of us. Did we cover all our bases? These days, you just never know. #PoliticalCorrectness #RedStarbucksCup
As 2017 comes to a close, we’re reminded of all of the good (...just kidding, there was nothing good) and bad (all of it) times we’ve had this past year. Our past calendar year began contentiously, with Team #MAGA and Team #ImStillWithHer at each other’s throats. The Inauguration was countered with a Women’s March -- and from there, things only seemed to get worse. Hillary released a book no one wanted her to. Taylor Swift became the anti-feminist. And, collectively, we all learned that Donald Trump doesn’t know how to hold a water bottle.
There were firings (and firings, and, yes, more firings), petty tweets, and on air sparring. It was as if God (or whoever) was looking down and playing puppet master -- only instead of ensuring that everyone in the audience (i.e. American voters) had a nice time, his only goal was to make sure his performance was so bad, it swept house at The Razzies. Truly -- and I mean this as an exaggeration in no way -- the only good thing that has come from 2017, is the fact that someone out there taught Cher how to use Twitter.
No matter what side of the aisle you’re on, it seems like there is no winning. Despite eight long years of complaining about Obamacare, Republicans couldn’t get it together enough to agree on anything other than “we should get rid of it.” It’s funny; maybe it’s just me, but this whole thing feels eerily similar to the Republican Primary. Isn’t that how we wound up with Trump in the first place? All complaints from the GOP, no solutions. And Democrats? Between the Donna Brazile leaks and the Debbie Wasserman Schultz scandal… well, let’s just say: neither party can really claim any sort of moral superiority at this point. We’ve got Republicans being accused of statutory rape. Democrats allegedly involved in murder. And all the while, members on both sides of the aisle are using Congressional funds to silence women who have been sexually harassed in the workplace. #HushMoney #MoreLikeHushHoney
But, alas, we’re still hooked. Those of us who live for politics spend our days listening to NPR or Talk Radio or podcasts or maybe even just a random coworker -- anything that will back up our political beliefs and instill in us that we are right and anyone who disagrees with our very specific (and likely somewhat uninformed -- thank you, Facebook ads!) views is the literal Devil. Objectively, we are smart enough to realize that, like, both parties are kind of shitty, but when it comes down to it: as millennials, poorly researched politically charged Twitter rants are our hill, and we will gladly die on it.
So… when it comes to the holiday season -- or as Republicans would like it to be known as, The Season Of Our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen -- what does that mean for those politicos out there? Well, for one, it means Thanksgiving dinner will be awkward because, spoiler alert, there will be fighting -- maybe even tears. And, two, you’re going to have to base gifts on political leanings.
When it comes to shopping for that favorite politico in your life (or yourself), it’s okay -- nay, encouraged -- to go all out on party pride. Sure, maybe everyone out there is kind of awful, but if we can’t claim our borderline offensively hypocritical political views, then what can we claim? As a generation without homes, spouses, or children, this is all we have, okay?
So, in honor of a terrible year… and the holiday season… and your favorite politico… here is a gift guide befitting of 2017.
If you’re looking for a fun gift, or maybe something fun to wrap a different gift in, look no further than Nastywrap. Nastywrap launched in fall 2017 and is the politically incorrect solution to all of your gift wrapping needs. Designs feature Santa flipping the bird, a boozin’ snowman, and, my personal favorite, a dancing Trump and Putin. Unfortunately, a new age holy trinity design featuring a dancing Trump, Putin, and Facebook ads does not yet exist, but it’s okay, there’s always next year. PS -- Nastywrap is having a Black Friday deal. 20 percent off all orders. Free shipping on orders over $20.
If you’re in need of a gift for that conservative friend who refuses to refer to liberals as anything other than “communists,” we’ve got you covered. This Trump bobblehead quite literally says “fuck liberals.” Ahh, America.
I’m biased, I own this shirt. And omg is it everything. People quite literally stop me on the street just to compliment it. So, for that #ConvenientFeminist in your life (you know what I mean, the one who voted for Hillary because Katy Perry told her to), this is your gift.
If you hate yourself and are looking to turn your family’s holiday get together into an all out war zone, then, congratulations, this is the gift for you. Grab your iPhone because someone is getting called a racist; in this conversation, there are no winners, only, as Trump would say “YUGE loooooosers.”
For that person in your life who can’t just let go. Also see: that one friend you have who thinks 9/11 was an inside job.
Remember when Sarah Palin ran for vice president and then like a year later starred in a TLC reality show, because same. If that is not the goddamn American dream then I don’t know what is. Anyway, regardless of your feelings on her, this is TV gold and your friend(s) would be lucky to own this true American treasure. Still miffed she didn’t win an Emmy for this, tbh.
And there you have it. The 2017 gift guide for your political junkie. Happy shopping. And happy politic-ing.