Way too many times, people get in arguments and say things they really don’t mean. We raise our voices at one another, maybe include an expletive or two and we find ways to dig and cut so that we can see the blood. We have to see the blood whether in the form of an apology or tears; we hit them where it hurts! We go for the gold in arguments and that is so bizarre to me because there is no award for this kind of behavior. Nobody says, “gee thanks for all of those terrible things you said about me, I feel better about myself now.” The little girl who gets her ponytail yanked by the little boy in her kindergarten class doesn’t instantaneously fall in love with him. No prizes are given to the meanest most hurtful version of yourself that you can be yet I think it is safe to say we have all done this at some point in our lives.
Let me be clear, I say “we” loosely. I know some of you are perfect Homo sapiens who never say anything hurtful and always recognize that “the pen is mightier than the sword” because you already know that words can sting. But occasionally, sometimes even the strong falter.
When I was younger and had arguments with loved ones, I wanted to be heard because:
1. I had a point.
2. You should listen to my point.
3. You need to take my point of view.
4. The end.
Unless you’re arguing with yourself however, arguments are never that easy! Disagreements aren’t usually that simple or polite. Things get said and get retracted. Insults are made then covered with “I love you.” Tears fall and get wiped away.
As I got older, I realized how hurtful my approach was and how painful these types of quarrels made me feel. I have been in relationships where an argument was had, unkind accusations were made, and I left the spat feeling worse about myself even after apologies were said. Sometimes months would pass and I would realize that I was still battling through some of the remnants of previous war wounds. I would begin to second-guess our compatibility and question my reasoning for staying. Why be with someone who would be malicious simply to win a fight? Why be with someone who preferred arguing to resolving?
As I matured even more, I remembered being told, “you don’t always have to say something to win an argument.” So when a quarrel ensued, I would shut down and do my best to come to an understanding. But instead of having a positive effect, a lingering silence would hover over the relationship and issues would still get overlooked, behaviors were unaddressed and concerns would fall to the wayside. Not the best approach.
Now that I am even more experienced, I see how there needs to be a compromise between the two tactics. I don’t believe that hurtful things should be excused for being said out of anger. Although also a verb, anger can be a feeling, which is all the more reason for it to be handled or managed, just like any other feelings. Nobody should get a pass for being mean, simply because they’re angry. Think of the message that sends the 6th grade student being bullied by the jealous 8th grader. Think of the message that sends the girl being abused simply because her abuser is insecure with him/herself. It is unfair and it is wrong and it starts with us as adults to model this change of behavior. But I digress a bit...
With regards to relationships, sometimes you don’t have to make a sentence to make a point. Just be quiet. Wait and see what the person will do after both sides of the argument are heard and then do not go for blood. Watch how the other person alters his/her behaviors whether for the good or the bad.
I remember being in middle school and sneaking off to school wearing the red lipstick my friend Maria loaned me. My parents allowed me to wear nail polish but not lipstick and burgundy red was “in”. At the age where social acceptance ranked higher than the importance of air for breathing, I made sure to time my makeup application perfectly so that it occurred after my mother left for work but before I got on the bus to go home.
One day, I stayed after school and my mother came to pick us up, Maria and I. As soon as I sat down in the car and my mother’s piercing eyes met mine through the rear view mirror, I knew I was in big trouble. I forgot to take off my lipstick! Instead of yelling and additionally embarrassing me in front of my friend, she hardly said much and didn’t scold me for it… but I knew not to go behind my mother’s back again.
There is power in the unsaid word. I reflect on previous relationships and think about how at times I would get a bigger reaction from not reacting. I also remember an argument I had a few years back where I only said what bothered me. I did not fuss. I definitely did not curse or lose my head. I simply said “it really upset me when you…blah blah blah” and then proverbially dropped the mic on the conversation. I left the room and he was left dumbfounded. For days he tiptoed around me, unsure if Hurricane Monique would soon make land and rip him apart verbally but I didn’t. There was no need. My needs were heard and without me having to be hurtful.
When my students get upset and begin to shout, I always calmly tell them: “You don’t have to yell. My ears work; I can hear you just fine. And for the record, nobody should have to yell at you for you to hear them either.” A simple thing to say but it took me many years of teaching to realize that this yelling bit that people do is a learned behavior. Cursing and carrying on is a learned behavior. So to stop the future ruining of relationships, I think it important to practice the power of the unsaid. When I had the argument with the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, he wasn’t nervous around me out of fear; he was nervous that the argument wasn’t over…that I would eventually yell, curse and get “crazy.” So the fact that I didn’t and was so succinct with what was bothering me, made him more on edge. There was no room for misinterpretation and therefore, the only thing to do at that point was to fix it and move on. I was serious with my feelings and didn’t muddy it up with F-this and S-that.
But if being candid doesn’t work for you then resort to the old adage of “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” When you’re angry, figure out the source of your anger but if you’re too overcome with those emotions, don’t say a word if they’re coming from a place of spite! Back away from the situation and find ways to focus the energy elsewhere. Words can leave emotional scars that if left untreated, can do so much damage to the soul. Please don’t do that to yourself or to anyone else.