Do you struggle to say no to a friend asking you to do something that you don't want to do?
"No" is the second shortest word in the English language, but one of the hardest to say. When friends ask you to write them a LinkedIn recommendation, do you ignore it because you really don't want to do it? And what do you say to friends who ask you to follow them on Twitter and you don't want to? Or, what about when others ask you to join them on a trip, how often do you make up an excuse to get out of it?
Our first reaction with our friends is to try to please them by showing our support, especially when they are long-time friends or work colleagues. Saying "yes" becomes a default, to show either that we are on their side and fully supportive or to avoid conflict.
Sometimes we feel compelled to say yes to validate our status as decent human beings. But, after we make the commitment, we realize the potential to negatively affect us is real. The repercussions of our answer with a knee-jerk "yes" might prove harmful to us.
Remember that you have a right to say no. Otherwise, others may take advantage of you, take you for granted and, in the long term, lose respect for you.
The 1-2-3 Method
Let me offer a 1-2-3 solution to the automatic yes dilemma. First, we have to understand that the problem of judging when to use "no" is just a symptom, not the disease. The real issue is to have a clear understanding of what is being asked, the total expectations.
- Do not say "yes" without understanding the implications. Don't commit right away. Successful people understand the value of time. Once they commit to doing something they would never cancel. It's preferable to acknowledge that you will not be able to fulfill the request than to put yourself in a situation that might affect you later on.
- Answer the request, politely. A lack of a response will not be appreciated and could hurt the relationship more than a "no."
- Be clear, concise, and direct.
- Be assertive, not apologetic. You're in control.
- Offer alternatives when possible.
- Stand your ground. You may find that the person requesting is trying to take advantage of you. Do not fall for that!
Saying No at Work -- Can You Do It?
Can you say "no" at work? What would you do if your manager makes an unreasonable request? Although the same tactics may not apply, the same principle does: You are (mostly) in control.
To help you manage these often awkward situations, I recommend another 1-2-3 method.
- 1.Understand what is being asked of you and put it in the context of everything else you may have on your "to do" list. Understand the time constraints and expected outcomes, timelines and deadlines.
- 2.Negotiate if needed. Remind your manager that you are working on other projects that they have identified as top priorities and ask if the new task has priority over the others. You may offer suggestions for options ("I can't complete it by Friday, but would Monday work for you? "Can I enlist the help of Jorge and Heather on the project?").
- 3.If little or no flexibility is forthcoming, point out that you will complete all tasks, but perhaps not as thoroughly as your manager may be accustomed to expect from you. Never say that you will "try" to do it. Do it.
When You Are Doing the Asking, Frame the Question Correctly
One reason we struggle with our answer to a request is that the person asking if has not made it easy for us to respond with a "no."
When you're asking someone for assistance, make it as easy as possible for them to say "no" to you. You don't want someone helping you who doesn't really want to.
An example of an effective request may be: Are you available to speak at my next conference? If you are not interested or not available, perhaps you can recommend someone or we can discuss opportunities for the next conference." By providing flexibility, you will get an honest response from the person you are approaching. No matter what their answer, make a habit of thanking the person for taking the time to provide you with a prompt response.
Whether via social media or in person, building your relationships is a long-term process, and the ultimate goal is to strengthen your network one person at a time. Your success depends on making each person you deal with comfortable, and by doing so, you'll continue to build and strengthen your network.