The Practice of Mindlessness

Mindlessness is no longer a fad. It has become a way of life for millions of Americans. The worlds of business and self-help are enraptured over mindlessness meditation. Organizations as varied as the Air Force, Microsoft, Columbia University and the Gambino Family offer mindlessness training for employees.

The world is a mess. If you who focus on what's going on today you will become depressed, lose sleep and entertain thoughts of suicide. By clouding thought and blunting concentration, mindlessness obstructs the intrusion of menacing reality.

In clinical trials mindlessness meditation has been proven to relieve stress, lower blood pressure, improve sleep and alleviate gastrointestinal difficulties, and reduce depression.

I began practicing mindlessness long before it became fashionable. Mindlessness has enabled me to decrease drug and alcohol abuse and alleviate my anxiety, narcissistic personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder.

My holistic mindlessness practice begins every morning, after an hour of yoga and a breakfast of seasonal soy chaff, fermented lentil husks and ginkgo fiber topped with unpasteurized flax paste. I sit on a comfortable chair, close my eyes and focus on my breathing silently thinking "IN" for each inhalation and "OUT" for exhalation.

Today's meditation was typical: after three or four breaths I became so bored that my mind started wandering. Did I forget to file an estimated tax payment on June 15? This leads to worrying that I might get audited again this year. The thought about tax audits quickly leads me to tax policy and the 2016 presidential election. How many of the 16 Republican candidates can I name? Is James G. Blaine one of them?

Then I realize I have not noticed my breath for at least five minutes. This precipitates Negative Judgementality one of the keys to successful mindlessness meditation. Gently, I disparage myself, "What a loser. I can't you concentrate on breathing for more than 30 seconds." I recall other failures. This self-flagellation is relieved when, from out of nowhere, the lyrics to "Charlie Brown," a 1959 hit by The Coasters, pop into my head.

Affirmatively accepting that I cannot concentrate on breathing, I pick up a small rock I use for meditation. I try to focus on it, examining all its aspects. But if you've seen one small rock, you've seen them all, so my thoughts return to James G. Blaine. I recall that he is not running for the Republican nomination in 2016. Rather, he ran against Cleveland in 1884 on the platform of "Rum, Romanism and Rebellion." A man ahead of his time! Where is he now when we really need him?

Feeling the room is getting warmer prompts fears of global warming. Will sea levels rise eight to sixteen inches by 2050? This is where years of training in mindlessness pays off. Rather than thinking about doing something about climate change, I contentedly return to The Coasters:

Who walks in the classroom, cool and slow?
Who calls the English teacher, Daddy-O?

If you find yourself worried about any political, social or economic issue--climate change, income inequality, financing of election, gun control--you need to begin mindlessness meditation.