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The President's Secret IMs: A Globally Warmed-Over 4th of July

who wants 2 b in dc on jul 4? turistas from japan dats who... o--& bigass donrs who wanna watch firewrks from my balcny. FUN. no kickin bak 4 kickass. uh uh * meet & greet * cant get near da frikkin bbq
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Chat with Ladeezman42
9:17 a.m.

Kickass43: yo
Kickass43: DUDE
Kickass43: u awake yet?

Ladeezman42: wassup bro

Kickass43: man its erly 4 u

Ladeezman42: nvr 2 erly 4 golf
Ladeezman42: headin out 2 tha ts
Ladeezman42: wer u @?

Kickass43: rite here
Kickass43: in da big wite crib

Ladeezman42: o dats rite
Ladeezman42: u got da big par-tay 2nite

Kickass43: yeh
Kickass43: like * happy 4th *
Kickass43: watevah
Kickass43: aclu gna outlaw dat 1 soon
Kickass43: * discrmin8s genst illgl amerikns *
Kickass43: man I H8 dis holiday

Ladeezman42: ?!

Kickass43: gotta stay in dis hot swamp
Kickass43: like who wants 2 b in dc on jul 4?
Kickass43: turistas from japan dats who
Kickass43: o--& bigass donrs who wanna watch firewrks from my balcny
Kickass43: FUN
Kickass43: no kickin bak 4 kickass
Kickass43: uh uh
Kickass43: * meet & greet *
Kickass43: * cd u stand ovr here nxt 2 my wife mr. prez wile I getta foto? *
Kickass43: cant get near da frikkin bbq
Kickass43: * ooo look @ dat 1 ovr da monumnt!! *
Kickass43: * soooo amazin! *
Kickass43: man I c'n it 5X alredy!!
Kickass43: wd rather b in TX
Kickass43: pullin brush & tyin sparklrs 2 barneys tail

Ladeezman42: feel 4 u bud
Ladeezman42: tho I kinda miss jul 4 @ tha big wite crib
Ladeezman42: spechully tha "stand nxt 2 my wife" part
Ladeezman42: wher laura b @?

Kickass43: she sez hi 2 tha folks
Kickass43: then vamooses up 2 tha roof
Kickass43: 2 smok & hang w/tha twins

Ladeezman42: tuff

Kickass43: wher u b @?

Ladeezman42: man im in lttl rok
Ladeezman42: rteachin hllry how 2 eat bbq

Kickass43: ur w/hill?!
Kickass43: :-O
Kickass43: dats wrs than dc!

Ladeezman42: nah
Ladeezman42: its justa foto-op
Ladeezman42: * hill w/da lttl folk @ lttl rok *
Ladeezman42: (gotta rmind her 2 keep her pinkies in
Ladeezman42: wen shes chowin down on ribs)
Ladeezman42: den aftr she clears out bak 2 dc
Ladeezman42: "sry hon--duty calls"
Ladeezman42: my bud burkle's jet swoops in
Ladeezman42: & pix me up
Ladeezman42: "sry hon--booty calls! "

Kickass43: man u r so lucky
Kickass43: u gottit sooo gd rite now
Kickass43: u gotta hope she aint gettin it in 08
Kickass43: cuz ur life is OVR

Ladeezman42: I kno it
Ladeezman42: man im PRAYIN she aint gettin it
Ladeezman42: evn went 2 nashville ovr tha wkend ...
Ladeezman42: 2 patch it up w/al bore

Kickass43: u hung w/bore?
Kickass43: in TENN?!

Ladeezman42: uh huh
Ladeezman42: dats how desprat I am bud
Ladeezman42: hill's polls r goin thru tha roof
Ladeezman42: aint no 1 can match her rite now
Ladeezman42: (thanx 2 dat ol clinton majik ahem)
Ladeezman42: & shes stoppd takin my advis
Ladeezman42: its bad

Kickass43: ur advis?

Ladeezman42: dude u KNO dat wuz bad
Ladeezman42: but SHE didn't kno it wuz bad
Ladeezman42: kno wat im sayin
Ladeezman42: im like "hon stay strong on tha war"
Ladeezman42: "stand up 4 ur prinsipls"
Ladeezman42: "b tha politishun I nvr wuz"
Ladeezman42: "ignor tha far left baby"
Ladeezman42: "u gotta get bhind lieberman"
Ladeezman42: dat shit

Kickass43: she wdnt lissen?

Ladeezman42: not wen I told her 2 bak lieberman
Ladeezman42: man I nearly had her!
Ladeezman42: dat wda sunk her!
Ladeezman42: "Hillary Throws Fundraiser For Lieberman"
Ladeezman42: bam--ded!
Ladeezman42: but she lookd at me all suspishus
Ladeezman42: like she found sum blak thong in my sok drawr

Kickass43: hill found a blak thong in ur sok drawr???

Ladeezman42: META4 ALRT!
Ladeezman42: I sed * like *

Kickass43: o
Kickass43: :-/
Kickass43: wait
Kickass43: u ment similee alrt

Ladeezman42: ?

Kickass43: wen u use like or as
Kickass43: fyi
Kickass43: datsa similee

Ladeezman42: sins wen r U da gramma king?

Kickass43: dude I LIV w/a skool teachr

Ladeezman42: k
Ladeezman42: ANYHOO
Ladeezman42: I think shes on2 me

Kickass43: el draggo

Ladeezman42: ttlly!

Kickass43: watr we...
Kickass43: * u *
Kickass43: gna do bout it?!

Ladeezman42: I tol u!
Ladeezman42: I bit tha bullet...
Ladeezman42: hauld my ass down 2 nashville...
Ladeezman42: & made nice 2 bore

Kickass43: whoa
Kickass43: dats tuff

Ladeezman42: had 2 b dun

Kickass43: y?

Ladeezman42: cuz hes my only hope man!
Ladeezman42: who els hav I got??
Ladeezman42: hes ona roll wit dis book/movie crap
Ladeezman42: he cd do it!
Ladeezman42: & im not tha only 1 who thinks so
Ladeezman42: (calls hisself in privat btw "comebak kid--tha sequel")
Ladeezman42: (like: BARF)
Ladeezman42: (& I don meen dat asa similee)

Kickass43: so u were hangin w/bore in nashville...
Kickass43: wile I wuz @ graceland w/pokeyman?

Ladeezman42: pokeyman?

Kickass43: my bud juni

Ladeezman42: ur losin me

Kickass43: tha japaneez PM

Ladeezman42: o
Ladeezman42: rite
Ladeezman42: * pokeyman *?
Ladeezman42: thot his nikname wuz "lion hart"

Kickass43: dats wat his peeps call him
Kickass43: but I call him pokeyman...

Ladeezman42: as in da cartoon

Kickass43: no
Kickass43: as in: poke poke!
Kickass43: man dat dude nvr stops pokin me!!
Kickass43: he's like: u such a cowboy!
Kickass43: poke poke!
Kickass43: u so hi noon!
Kickass43: poke poke!
Kickass43: my ribs r bloo aftr graceland...
Kickass43: he wuz so excitd he wuz pokin me evry 5 secs

Ladeezman42: I thot u guys wer bfls!

Kickass43: yeh well
Kickass43: sorta
Kickass43: I mean...
Kickass43: hes a tuff ass & all
Kickass43: bf 2 tha u s of a yadda yadda
Kickass43: but man
Kickass43: dat elvis stuff weirdd me out

Ladeezman42: lol

Kickass43: srsly!
Kickass43: he kept gettin down on his nees...
Kickass43: 2 * seranade *me...
Kickass43: "I will alwys rove u"
Kickass43: like brokeback mountain w/japaneez subtitls
Kickass43: kno wat im sayin
Kickass43: rove wuz pissin hisself
Kickass43: "I'll alwys rove u too sir" he'd yell
Kickass43: pokeyman didn't get it
Kickass43: kept stoppin & singin
Kickass43: trippin evry1
Kickass43: causin secret servis pileups

Ladeezman42: he shd b singin jailhouse rock 2 ur boy rove

Kickass43: ha ha

Ladeezman42: well it sounds bttr den MY trip 2 goreland
Ladeezman42: I'll take tha PMs elvis karaoke ANY TIME ovr hangin w/bore

Kickass43: tell me bout it

Ladeezman42: get dis:
Ladeezman42: so I pull up @ his big nu crib
Ladeezman42: (& man it's BIG--googles bin gd 2 dat boy)
Ladeezman42: im thinkin: in/out
Ladeezman42: slap on tha bak
Ladeezman42: yak bout ol times
Ladeezman42: pitch im sum advis
Ladeezman42: den im on my way 2 lttl rok 4 t-off time

Kickass43: no way ur outta dere in undr 4 hrs...

Ladeezman42: make it: 18 HRS!!
Ladeezman42: missd my frikkin plane!
Ladeezman42: o man
Ladeezman42: how cd I 4get?!!

Kickass43: wat happnd?

Ladeezman42: bore opens tha door hisself
Ladeezman42: gets dat look he gets...
Ladeezman42: tha icecap melts...
Ladeezman42: "Bro!" he sez
Ladeezman42: he bearhugs me 4 like 5 mins
Ladeezman42: I cant BREETH
Ladeezman42: finally im like gaspin "bro I gotta use ur hed"
Ladeezman42: so he like shows me 2 tha hed...
Ladeezman42: & comes in w/me!!!!!

Kickass43: no way

Ladeezman42: way
Ladeezman42: cuz u cant jus take a whizz @ bores house w/out a freakin lecshur
Ladeezman42: "don't let looks deceev u billy boy its all septic..."
Ladeezman42: "heres tha biodegradabl papr--don't use 2 much or itll clog tha system"

Kickass43: dude im wetting myself!

Ladeezman42: yeh well I wuz wettin myself
Ladeezman42: "ok bro thanx uh gotta go REAL BAD"
Ladeezman42: but it wuz like dat tha hole time
Ladeezman42: he had a DAYLONG PROGRAM
Ladeezman42: he calld it * a program of reconciliashun *
Ladeezman42: 1st hes gotta show me EVRYthang
Ladeezman42: think MTV Cribs meets Nashunl Geografic
Ladeezman42: gotta inspect tha "smart rm" in tha basement
Ladeezman42: ooh & aw ovr his solar panels & compostr
Ladeezman42: finally wen im like DYIN he leads me dis huge screenin rm
Ladeezman42: im thinkin uh oh I kno wats comin
Ladeezman42: he sez: lemme sho u wat ive bin up 2

Kickass43: o no
Kickass43: not tha moovie!!

Ladeezman42: WRSE!
Ladeezman42: tha UNCUT vershun!

Kickass43: :-O

Ladeezman42: "dis 1 has a lot mor prsnl stuff innit"
Ladeezman42: darn rite
Ladeezman42: its 4 HRS long!
Ladeezman42: family vacashuns...
Ladeezman42: karennas kids...
Ladeezman42: like sum hellish xmas card ona loop!
Ladeezman42: I havent evn had a glass o watr...
Ladeezman42: & im like scrd 2 ask...
Ladeezman42: u kno in case I get tha "watr lecshur"
Ladeezman42: man u wanna subject sum terrorst prisnors 2 legl tortshur...
Ladeezman42: jus lok em in a screenin rm w/bore!!!

Kickass43: so howdu escape?!

Ladeezman42: I DIDN'T
Ladeezman42: aftr tha moovie he wantd 2 play touch ftball...
Ladeezman42: den tippr wantd me 2 look @ her fotos...
Ladeezman42: (memo 2 God: no more grandkids 4 dat woman!)
Ladeezman42: by dat pt id missd tha plane
Ladeezman42: (cdnt evn getta netjet! gtta go bizness)
Ladeezman42: theyr like gr8! u can stay wit us! we'll have bbq! its solr powrd!
Ladeezman42: so den bore & I stay up 2 play harts
Ladeezman42: "jus like ol times" he keeps sayin
Ladeezman42: im fnlly makin sum hedway...

Kickass43: ur winnin?

Ladeezman42: no!
Ladeezman42: on my mishun!
Ladeezman42: I start givin him sum advis...
Ladeezman42: srsly GD advis...
Ladeezman42: like tha kinda advis ppl pay me $$$$$$...
Ladeezman42: ive got his hole winnin campaign laid out on tha table...
Ladeezman42: like sum delishus gormay buffay...
Ladeezman42: all hes gotta do is fill his frikkin plate...
Ladeezman42: suddnly he's like no no no
Ladeezman42: "lets not spoil tha moment wit politics"
Ladeezman42: inside im like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ladeezman42: man!

Kickass43: so watu do?

Ladeezman42: so I went 2 bed...
Ladeezman42: lay awake till it wuz dawn...
Ladeezman42: den boltd b4 he cd ply me w/tippr's homemade bran muffns

Kickass43: is he gna lissen 2 u?

Ladeezman42: he duznt lissen 2 any1
Ladeezman42: dude's hopeless
Ladeezman42: ttlly hopeless
Ladeezman42: hes gna blo it dis time 2
Ladeezman42: shda remembrd
Ladeezman42: I gess id just blockd it...
Ladeezman42: like sum bad memry from nam

Kickass43: u didn't go 2 nam

Ladeezman42: o rite
Ladeezman42: hey neither did u

Kickass43: mayb we've both blockd it...

Ladeezman42: gd line
Ladeezman42: but it wont fly in 08
Ladeezman42: gna hit tha linx now...

Kickass43: no cheatin!

Ladeezman42: ha ha
Ladeezman42: happy 4th

Kickass43: u 2 bud

Ladeezman42 has left the chat.

"The President's Secret IMs" appears every Tuesday. Kickass43 apologizes for his no-show of last week--he was knocked out by the storms.

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