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The President's Secret IMs: Karl's New Exit Strategy...

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Chat with wonderboy et al.
4:19 p.m.

IheartUSA: The chat room is ready for you, Mr. President.

Kickass43: u got rove?

Wonderboy: I'm here.

IheartUSA: Let me begin by congratulating you, sir, for standing against bigoted tendencies ...
IheartUSA: in our party, our opposition, and indeed our nation...
IheartUSA: over the Dubai port deal.
IheartUSA: It sent an important message to our Arab allies:
IheartUSA: "We care about your contribution to the War on Terror."
IheartUSA: "We stand by you."
IheartUSA: Even if in the end the Congress wouldn't stand by us.

Kickass43: yeh well rite now r msg sux
Kickass43: karl ur tha rockt scientist
Kickass43: how dya splain it???

Wonderboy: Explain what specifically, sir?

Kickass43: tha big stax of mumbo jumbo
Kickass43: u dumpd on my desk
Kickass43: pi chartz, bar grafs, stat tables...
Kickass43: man it looks like greenspans new bio

Wonderboy: That would be the new consumer confidence index...

Kickass43: I KNO
Kickass43: it sez dat on pg 1...

Wonderboy: Why don't I just walk over to your office & go through it with you, sir.
Wonderboy: I've included some of our new internal polling data as well.

Kickass43: dats NOT tha part I need splaind

Wonderboy: Excuse me, sir?
Wonderboy: Which aspect of the data is unclear?

Kickass43: NUN of its "unclear" Kickass43: its all 2 clear: Kickass43: job growth: UP Kickass43: wages: UP Kickass43:

biggest 12-month increase in more than four years

Kickass43: economy: UP Kickass43:

strongest in more than two years

Kickass43: home heatin costs: DOWN Kickass43:

In summary: The University of Michigan's current conditions index, which reflects Americans' perceptions of their financial situation and whether it's a good time to buy big-ticket items like cars, rose to 106.2 from 105.6 last month. Job growth and rising wages are helping to fuel the consumer spending that's powering a rebound in growth this quarter.

Kickass43: do I need 2 go on??
IheartUSA: Karl and I are aware of the figures, Mr. President.
IheartUSA: We are thrilled for you.
IheartUSA: Your agenda to grow a vibrant economy...
IheartUSA: while protecting American workers and families...
IheartUSA: and securing the future for our nation's children and seniors...
IheartUSA: has proven successful by any standard.

Wonderboy: Ditto, sir.
Wonderboy: Message: The economy is strong and continues to grow.
Wonderboy: Was that all?

Kickass43: NO
Kickass43: dissis tha part I don't get:
Kickass43: approvl ratins: DOWN
Kickass43: supprt 4 iraq: DOWN
Kickass43: congreshunal approvl: DOWN
Kickass43: "direcshun of country": DOWN
Kickass43: direcshun of effin UNIVRS: DOWN!!
Kickass43: merikans r drivin, eatin, shoppin, drinkin...
Kickass43: pimpin ther rides...
Kickass43: trickin out ther cribs...
Kickass43: takkin ther frikkin mistresses 2 vegas...
Kickass43: & I get NOOOOO credit!!
Kickass43: aint fair!!
Kickass43: man clinton cd turn tha oval office in2 a bordello
Kickass43: & pvt humidor...
Kickass43: get IMPEACHD...
Kickass43: so long as tha gd times rolld...
Kickass43: his peeps LUVD him!
Kickass43: splain DAT!

Wonderboy: I agree it's confusing, Mr. President.
Wonderboy: I've been running the numbers on this.
Wonderboy: While it's historically true that every 500 point rise in the Dow...
Wonderboy: has been associated with a 2 point rise in support for the President's party...
Wonderboy: our challenge is that this association is strongest in coastal states...
Wonderboy: and weakest in our base states in the south and west.
Wonderboy: In short: it's Tension City.

Kickass43: still don't get it
Kickass43: evn if u 4get r peeps
Kickass43: wat bout tha dems?
Kickass43: spendin: UP
Kickass43: troops in iraq: DOWN
Kickass43: prescripshun drug plan 4 seniors: CHEK
Kickass43: promote "alterntve fuel srces": CHEK
Kickass43: take stand agenst rashul profilin: CHEK
Kickass43: pro-immigrashun: CHEK
Kickass43: al gor & hllry cdnt do mor than ive dun
Kickass43: & we havnt evn xpandd r base !
Kickass43: bottom line: r msg sux
Kickass43: aint NO1 like it
Kickass43: we need a NU msg
Kickass43: + msg
Kickass43: get attenshun on tha economy
Kickass43: & away from iraq

IheartUSA: I couldn't agree more, sir.
IheartUSA: Something like "Hope Thrives in Our Economy."
IheartUA: We could arrange for some op-eds:
IheartUSA: "Women, Children, Muslims benefit from improved economic outlook."

Wonderboy: "Muslims," Karen?
Wonderboy: Please. Explain.

IheartUSA: I'm just thinking out loud here, but yes, Muslims.
IheartUSA: Housing starts are at a record high, isn't that right Karl?

Wonderboy: Yes.

IheartUSA: So we don't we find some Muslim families who are building new homes...

Kickass43: in iraq?!

IheartUSA: No, sir. Here. In Virginia.
IheartUSA: Or wait, even better: in the greater New Orleans area.
IheartUSA: "A Muslim family rebuilds their dreams after Katrina."
IheartUSA: We could make it a photo op!
IheartUSA: Send you down there, sir.
IheartUSA: Shirtsleeves. Ball cap...

Wonderboy: There ARE a lot of new housing starts in New Orleans.

IheartUSA: "The Salim family thanks President Bush for the economy that has made building their dream home--and finding Mr. Salim a new job--possible."
IheartUSA: Message: Despite death and destruction elsewhere, Islam flourishes here at home.

Wonderboy: You might want to modify that message slightly, Karen.

Kickass43: like its not flurishin at r ports

Wonderboy: Or our borders.

Kickass43: or r air terminls

Wonderboy: Or basically at any neighborhood near you.
Wonderboy: Won't play.

IheartUSA: I'm just trying to come up with something upbeat...
IheartUSA: something that puts positive spin on our economy...
IheartUSA: highlights our relations with Islam at home...
IheartUSA: while drawing attention away from the negatives...
IheartUSA: of our interaction with Islam abroad.
IheartUSA: Hey, how about this, Mr. President:
IheartUSA: Do you remember our "tax families?"

Kickass43: ?

IheartUSA: In the beginning of your first term, sir.
IheartUSA: We found and publicized the stories of families...
IheartUSA: who felt they had directly benefited from your economic policies.
IheartUSA: We could do that again, but this time focus on Muslim families.

Kickass43: sur wont b tha royal family of dubai

Wonderboy: With all due respect, Karen, I don't think this is the "big" message
Wonderboy: the President is currently seeking.
Wonderboy: "Muslims prospering from Bush policies" is not exactly a message
Wonderboy: designed to please our base.
Wonderboy: And we NEED to please our base.
Wonderboy: Now.
Wonderboy: Right away.

Kickass43: exactamundo

Wonderboy: Let me run this by you, sir.
Wonderboy: Our focus group research shows that while your policies remain popular...
Wonderboy: ...they become unpopular when associated with certain members of your administration.
Wonderboy: So for example, just to be hypothetical here, the public might support a general "plan to grow apples" but will oppose a "Rumsfeld plan to grow apples."
Wonderboy: Or they may approve of "oranges" but they're not cool with "Cheney's oranges."
Wonderboy: Do you see what I'm saying here, Mr. President?

Kickass43: dude ur losin me w dis froot stuff

Wonderboy: I guess I'm saying--or confirming--is the general perception...
Wonderboy: that we need to clean house.
Wonderboy: Before our house is cleaned for us.
Wonderboy: If you know what I mean.

IheartUSA: If I may clarify, sir...

Kickass43: I get it

IheartUSA: ...there comes a time in each one of our lives...

Kickass43: I get it!

IheartUSA: when those who have been with us from the beginning...
IheartUSA: may not prove to be the best travelling companions...
IheartUSA: farther along into the journey.

Kickass43: I GET it!!
Kickass43: yall want me 2 dump dick
Kickass43: & now ur tellin me 2 dump rummy 2
Kickass43: don't like it
Kickass43: not rite
Kickass43: theyr my buds
Kickass43: cant believ tha base wants 2 me 2 do it neither

Wonderboy: I would agree with you about the base being unhappy with such a move, sir.
Wonderboy: Despite the vice-president's low ratings...
Wonderboy: he's still very popular with our most loyal supporters.
Wonderboy: Key word here is "dump."
Wonderboy: Now if either were to "resign"...

Kickass43: bin thru dis
Kickass43: I alredy razd it w tha veep...

IheartUSA: You raised it with the vice-president, Mr. President?!

Kickass43: sur I razd it w im
Kickass43: I tell im evrything
Kickass43: hes my bvfl

IheartUSA: I'm not familiar with that acronym, sir.

Kickass43: best veep 4 life
Kickass43: he wuz cool wit it
Kickass43: we wuz jus kickin bak
Kickass43: shootin squirrls off tha truman balcony
Kickass43: way we do wen no1's lookin
Kickass43: (don't wrry karen--wuz jus a bb gun)
Kickass43: I sed sum ppl thot he shd go
Kickass43: u kno
Kickass43: "make way 4 08"
Kickass43: usd condi's talkin pt:
Kickass43: we're all kinda wrried bout his helth
Kickass43: yadda yadda
Kickass43: he wuz like no way
Kickass43: "promisd 2 serv so I'll serv"
Kickass43: "don't u wrry bout me bud"
Kickass43: "I'll die w my boots on"
Kickass43: all dat shit
Kickass43: wat wuz I gna say??
Kickass43: man sumtimes I wish he wuznt such a tuff ass

IheartUSA: Yes, he was very tough on the Sunday shows, sir.
IheartUSA: Very firm about denying he would resign.
IheartUSA: An impressive performance.
IheartUSA: Unfortunately leaves us in a difficult situation.

Wonderboy: "Nothing should be taken as true until it has been officially denied."
Wonderboy: Bismarck.
Wonderboy: We'll just have to keep up the pressure from the media.
Wonderboy: Even Barnes is onboard.

Kickass43: sum1 els is gna hav 2 break it 2 him

Wonderboy: It would make the party very happy, sir.
Wonderboy: As would a new SecDef.

Kickass43: but who?
Kickass43: dick duznt lissen 2 any1
Kickass43: sept hisself

Wonderboy: I have an idea...

Kickass43: ?

Wonderboy: On TV he said that it wasn't his choice to be VP...
Wonderboy: that he was "drafted" and therefore he couldn't leave.
Wonderboy: Well what if instead of asking him to resign...
Wonderboy: we put him in charge of a secret committee to find a new SecDef?
Wonderboy: That way he'll review all the possible candidates...
Wonderboy: and then decide that the only person fit for the job is...

Kickass43: hisself!

Wonderboy: "exactamundo"

Kickass43: jus like tha majors...
Kickass43: we trade im!
Kickass43: uh oh

IheartUSA: Sir?

Kickass43: wat bout rummy?
Kickass43: wher duz he go?

IheartUSA: I think we make that the Vice-President's problem.

Wonderboy: Karen's right on this one, sir.
Wonderboy: And the Secretary DID just buy a lovely retirement place...
Wonderboy: on the Eastern Shore...
Wonderboy: down the road from Dick's.
Wonderboy: Maybe they can work it out over a shooting match.

Kickass43: rofl
Kickass43: btw smartypants
Kickass43: lemme ask u 1 mor thang bout "cleanin house"

Wonderboy: Yes, sir?

Kickass43: how did "rove's apples" & "rove's oranges" poll?

Wonderboy: I don't think I understand your question.

Kickass43: u kno
Kickass43: did tha peeps like em any bttr than "rummys oranges" or "dicks apples"?

Wonderboy: I don't believe the choice was given to them.

Kickass43: y not?

Wonderboy: It wasn't relevant to the data.

Kickass43: uh huh
Kickass43: wat bout "mccain's nuts"?

Wonderboy: Funny, sir.
Wonderboy: We didn't engage in any speculative polling.
Wonderboy: We were keeping our focus largely on '06.
Wonderboy: However I should stress that there is no evidence to suggest...
Wonderboy: that "mccain's nuts"...
Wonderboy: would impact one way or another on the current ratings.

Kickass43: cuz deres NO WAY I want dat nutjob workin cross tha hall
Kickass43: if dick goes id much prefer "condi's melons"
Kickass43: kno wat im sayin?

Wonderboy: Got it.

Kickass43 has left the chat room.

The President's Secret IMs appears every Tuesday.