Time and time again, both in my personal and professional lives, I have heard couples (but mainly women) discuss their dissatisfaction with the division of housework. To be fair, taking gender out of the equation, the common complaint is that one spouse perceives to do most of the household labor while the other spouse is perceived to do much less…and is tired of being nagged about it. The complainant spouse wonders why the offending spouse does not see what needs to be done and do it, like an equally responsible adult in the partnership of marriage. The offending spouse thinks that the complainant spouse is (a) too demanding, and/or (b) undervaluing the offending spouse’s contributions to household work (or household income, childrearing, etc.). What I have just described is an overview of a pattern that, if not resolved, eventually can breed a lack of intimacy and emotional distance in a relationship.
If you have not figured it out already, dissatisfaction with the division of household chores is not really about housework. It is symbolic of what people do in a marriage with their time, how they value each other, and if they are truly “on the same team.” Even when we look at the terminology division of housework, we see the primary flaw: no aspect of marriage life should be divided. Did we not take vows to share happiness, health, and wealth, along with woe, sickness, and poverty? We can aspire to committing to these grand experiences, but not the nightly dinner dishes?
When we relegate our partners to be continually responsible for household labor without our participation (not help, but equal participation), what could we be reflecting about our value for our partner and our marriage? If your partner nags about the dinner dishes or yard work, are you keen to your partner really asking for help and still refusing to answer the call? If you continually relax while household tasks are being addressed, do you realize that you might be saying, “My free time is more valuable than yours. It does not matter to me that you may be tired. I will not share in the work so that your burden is lighter and the task will go faster. What is most important in this moment is how I feel, and not how you feel”?
This is the symbolism I was writing about earlier. Conflict about housework is not about doing the work it requires to maintain people, their house, and all their possessions. It is about whether or not you are willing to be with your partner, even when you are tired, even when you do not feel like, even when you do not care about the task or outcome, just because you committed to doing life with them. You committed to loving them in the way that they need to be loved, and making their burdens lighter. You committed to responding to their physical and emotional needs, even at the sacrifice of your own comfort.
So, the next time your partner complains about the laundry or lawn, please know that the issue is really deeper than what it appears. And yes, maybe they need to not nag so much. But realize this: They may never say it this way, but they are bidding for connection to you. They are pleading for the intimacy that people share when they are on the same team, striving for and succeeding at the same goal. They are asking, “Do I matter to you? Do you see me and what I need? Are you still committed to me in everything?” Stop thinking about how housework should be divided, but how it should be shared. The division of housework could be the beginning of the division of intimacy and connection in your marriage.