My husband and I have been thinking about becoming parents soon, and we’ve been talking a lot about what bringing a child into today’s world means. As long as we can conceive biologically, our child will not only be born into a family of means, but will also be white—a privilege in its own right. As a soon-to-be parent, I feel a profound responsibility to think about how to raise my child to 1) have a heart that is completely free of racism, sexism, and homophobia, 2) to recognize and critically understand his or her privilege as an upper-middle class white person, and 3) to seek and promote justice in this world from that position.
Since the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, I’ve been thinking of what it must be like to be a black mother, and how on top of everything else a mother must teach her son, one of the most important lessons is how to avoid getting killed by cops. Castile’s mother, Valerie, recalled telling her son “the key thing in order to try to survive being stopped by the police is to comply. Whatever they ask you to do — do it.”
Reading this broke my heart to pieces, and I realized yet another way my experience as a white mother will be different from that of black mothers. While I may worry that kids will get into trouble with the police—maybe for underage drinking and such, I don’t think I will ever really worry that they could get murdered by a cop. Like all mothers, I may lie awake at night worried about my children for one reason or another, but being scared that they might get gunned down by police will not be among my fears.
The fact that black parents—and black people—legitimately have to be scared and vigilant about a run-in with police, for fear they could be killed without cause, crushes my soul. As white people, we have a responsibility to confront the systemic racism that lurks in our institutions, our communities, and critically—in our hearts. We need to wash—no, scrub—our hearts of the hatred that creates an environment and society where murder-by-cop even happens.
Many white people reading this will think this doesn’t apply to them—that they are not racist, that they are not part of the problem. Yes, you are.
The most insidious part of racism, sexism, and homophobia is that all three of these societal diseases manifest themselves in subtle ways. The perpetrators of them may really not consciously understand how whatever they are doing or saying is actually racist, sexist, or homophobic. But being unaware of how one’s own behavior contributes to this culture is a poor, poor excuse. Our society cannot afford such reckless laziness.
Step one is become aware of what’s lurking deep down inside. I see examples of racism, sexism, and homophobia constantly in my mostly white network of well-educated, privileged people. When men make fun of each other and use words like “pussy” and “ass ****er.” When someone hears about Alton Sterling or Philando Castile and their first question is “Did he have a criminal record?”
It’s not always easy—and in fact, it’s exhausting― but it’s critical to call out racist, sexist, and homophobic behavior when we witness it and hold the people around us accountable for their actions. People often try to pass these comments off as jokes or get offended when they’re challenged, because they “didn’t mean anything by it.” That’s part of what makes it difficult to confront people—they so easily deflect the criticism and accuse you of being oversensitive. But it’s not oversensitive to recognize behaviors that, on their own, may seem innocuous, but when put together with the millions of microaggressions that happen every day, perpetuate the racist, sexist, and homophobic cultures that infect our society.
So, my fellow white people, if you care about promoting justice in this world, I encourage you to do three things:
- Read articles written by people of color, women, and LGBT people so you can understand actions and behaviors that you may have not previously recognized as sexist, racist, or homophobic
- Stop saying or doing things that are racist, sexist, and homophobic
- Hold people accountable when you witness them doing or saying something that is racist, sexist, or homophobic
And to the white people raising children or who, like me, will become parents in the near future: In order for your child to have a fighting shot at committing him or herself to social justice in the world, our own hearts must be free of hatred and full of love. Let’s lead by example and live our lives as consciously, and self-reflectively, as possible.