On Sunday, August 27th I became a Mrs. as a fatherless bride. The road to becoming a Mrs. was an extremely emotional road filled with both laughter and tears.
Grief has a way of robbing us of happiness and joy, leaving us feeling vulnerable and heartbroken in the blink of an eye. Please do not misunderstand me; the day my husband proposed on the beautiful beaches in Fort Lauderdale I was over the moon, I was practically dancing. But as soon as I went to call my mother with the news it hit me like a ton of bricks, I couldn’t tell my father the happy news. And then I began sobbing like someone just died, and the gut wrenching pain in my heart became paralyzing. This was my first major life event without my Dad. This was the first of many happy moments that would leave me sobbing and heartbroken.
Grief makes you crazy, so it’s important to surround yourself with people who get it.
I was thrilled to announce that I was finally marrying my knight in shining armor, my best friend. Changing my Facebook status to “engaged” was better than hitting the lottery. All of the stars in the sky and all of the sunshine in the world cannot hold a candle to the love that I feel for my husband. There’s no one else I’d rather be next to than him. But I was/am grieving too.
Life is messy and complicated sometimes.
When you are a fatherless bride, regardless of how nontraditional you think you are the planning becomes awkward and messy. Other than the groom, the father of the bride is one of the leading roles on your wedding day. My father was my first love and my husband is my last love. I would have given anything for my father to be present at my wedding. No matter how hard I tried to honor my Dad, there were moments that it just wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted my father to walk me down the aisle and dance with me and no matter how hard I tried that was just not happening. I can write a whole article on the things people said to me that ripped me to shreds as I politely smiled and nodded. I heard about the cute songs people danced with their Dad’s to, the proud speeches their father gave, how their father beamed when he saw their little girl in their wedding gown.
Dancing with my father way back when
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
I carefully crafted my guest list. I only invited friends and family who stood by my side throughout my father’s very long illness and after his death. If death had a theme song it would be Cindy Lauper’s “True Colors.” My attitude was if you couldn’t stand by me during my darkest days then you cannot stand by me on the happiest day of my life. Some might call it selfish, I call it self preservation.
Ronen (my husband) became my rock. He patiently stood by my side as I cried and panicked that my father wasn’t going to be there. He patiently listened and together we came up with some creative solutions. My first big decision was our flowers. Brides spend an astronomical amount of money on flowers that we look at for a few hours. We decided to donate all of our flowers to the patients on the oncology hospice unit at Jersey Shore Medical Center in Neptune, NJ. With the help of great friends the night of our wedding all of our flowers were loaded into a friend’s SUV and the day after our wedding we delivered the flowers. It was an extremely humbling experience to return to the unit that my father was a patient at from time to time. Favors are another thing that can get pricey. We made in a donation in my father’s name to the National Foundation of Swallowing Disorders. Someday they will find a cure for patients like my Dad, and until then I want to contribute and help find it. I also had a patch sewn inside my wedding gown next to my heart from his favorite NY Rangers shirt.
And finally the dreaded father daughter dance. I had so much anxiety with this. I could have danced with my Mom, but it was too emotional for both of us. I sobbed just thinking of it. I knew my limitations and I knew I was not strong enough for this. My husband called our videographer and DJ with a plan. The day of the wedding I would film a quick video of me telling our guests I wasn’t ready to come out to the reception. My new husband would run out as the DJ announced us but without me, and the DJ would play the video. My new husband would act shocked and he would dance with his mom while I was “getting ready.” I wanted my husband to have his moment with his mom, and he did, and I had my time to compose myself and not sob hysterically.
If it is possible to fall more in love with someone on your wedding day I did.
I married a man who gets me, and will do anything to keep me smiling. As the DJ announced the new Mr. and Mrs. Neuman, my new hubby ran out cheering and clapping solo, pretending to be shocked that I was not running into our reception next to him. All to keep me smiling on our wedding day. I hit the husband jackpot, and I am pretty sure my Dad had something to do with that.
Marrying someone I love and a respect was the greatest way to honor and remember my father. It was my father’s dying wish that married a man who could take care of me and love me unconditionally. It is every father’s wish that his little girl finds a partner that loves and respects her.
Despite what the movies and all the bride magazines preach weddings can be messy and complicated, and I’m not referring to the drunk guest who cleans out the bar, causes a scene and exits early.
Life itself is messy and complicated. It’s okay to cry if you’re missing a person of significance on your wedding day, but try to remember they are there. From the sun that warms your face to the wind that rustles your hair, your loved one is always with you. There were moments during my wedding day that I could feel my father’s love so strongly that it took my breath away.
Love never dies, it simply evolves.
First dance as husband and wife