The Scariest Thing I Ever Said Yes To

Yesterday, I blogged about "Heroes and Angels" and it all seemed very simple... We all have the capability to be a hero or an angel and today, I still believe that. The thing that I did not write about was how absolutely terrifying it is to allow someone to love us and to accept that love.

My entire life, I have looked for someone to love me and can easily give my love but I cannot often accept love or generosity from anyone. When I met Kevin, at Andrew and Deborah's wedding, he was the one who truly changed all of that. There had been many men that I had loved deeply but I had loved them in the hopes that they would love me, or in the hopes that I could change them, or that I could make them believe in something within me that would allow them to believe in something more.

At the wedding rehearsal, Kevin came up to Ryan and me and asked me for a drink. Charming, but the drinks were free and I was deep in conversation with two other friends preparing for the rehearsal dinner toasts. Initially, I thought he was the out of town cousin and all I wanted was a weekend off to enjoy myself and to explore the idea of me without work or obligation. He did come and hand me a glass of wine but was off as soon as we said cheers. The rest of the night was a celebration of friends from the past and friends from the present meeting and celebrating the union of the two people. Champagne poured, toasts were made and most importantly love was truly all around.

Saturday, the festivities continued and driving up the canyon in Malibu everyone could feel that two people were committing to an entire life together through good times and the bad. The single people on the shuttle only dreamed of what that kind of commitment meant as the married couples were re-inspired by the upcoming vows of the day. That is the beauty of weddings, as much as it is about the couple, it is so much more about those that stand witness. The ceremony of it all reminds us that there is no you nor me, but we are all truly one and together we commit to the future.

Well, after the beauty of the tradition, we all started celebrating the union with champagne toasts and savory treats. I think, I know, that I danced on a few tables that night and did high kicks when the In-And-Out Truck arrived. A good time was had by all and to all a good night but it was not over... There was an "After the Wedding Reception Party" and everyone piled into the shuttles and made way to the shores of Malibu to be treated to a Kavanaugh send off.

There on the deck of the party house I finally had a real conversation with Kevin. We spoke of the genius of David Lynch and when I watched "Wild at Heart" with Thad Lee, when I was 16 years old, and knowing that one day I wanted to make a movie like that. We spoke about Nick Cave and how I always dreamed I would walk down the aisle to him playing "Into My Arms" and all of the sudden I was that girl telling someone about her future fairy tale. When we had to all head to the shuttle for the final farewell, it was a bittersweet exit. I was exhausted and had to leave for New York the very next day, but I so wanted to continue the conversation. Did I want to kiss him? Yes, but the desire to talk to him was so much greater. Neither happened and I was off to New York the very next day.

While sitting at the LAX airport eating Chilli-Cheese Fries (if anyone is reading this and is a vegetarian, please know that I respect you completely and really want to go back to a vegetarian lifestyle--HELP) I received a phone call from a friend that was one of Deborah's bridesmaids. She had just broken up with a boyfriend and had previously dated Kevin. She told me that Kevin wanted my phone number but she would not give it to him without my permission. I was uncomfortable with it and chose to wait for Andrew and Deborah to return so I could run this Kevin character by them.

Just over two weeks later, Deborah called me after landing in the States to tell me she was on her way back to Los Angeles. I immediately told her how amazing her wedding was and checked in about the honeymoon and in one quick breath I asked her about the Kevin character. With glowing reviews, she explained how he was her absolute favorite of all of Andrew's friends and that his charm was genuine. I asked about passing on my phone number and she said not to bother because she wanted to have a dinner party for some friends on her new wedding china. I showed up for the "dinner party" and it was Deborah, Andrew and Kevin. We had a delicious dinner, an amazing conversation and a dance party with the four of us doing the centipede/worm and a little break dancing.

The night ended with Kevin and my first kiss. Now I will jump ahead into the story. On November 6, 2009, Kevin asked me to marry him and I said "YES" to the hardest question in the world. He might have said, "will you marry me" but to me, I heard, "will you let me love you." Again, I said yes and have absolutely no regrets, but it is a struggle every single day to accept that someone loves me as much as he does. From the first moment that he saw me, he knew, and it is the most welcome feeling in the world, and at the same time, the most terrifying. I think I am supposed to be writing about the charity but giving and receiving love is the most charitable act in the world and I can admit that I am not always as good at the receiving as I am at the giving. Does anyone else have the same problem?