Maybe you saw the item in "People in the News," which is one of my favorite newspaper features. I like reading about celebrity birthdays and romances especially when the news involves me.
Not by name, of course. I'm far too savvy about avoiding publicity -- unlike her.
Do I sound bitter? I have every right to be. It's hard to pick up your hometown paper and see that your former lady friend is getting married. But that's exactly what Scarlett Johansson has done.
The actress is reportedly marrying a Frenchman and to add insult to fantasy, he's a former journalist. Granted, I'm a current journalist (last time I checked my pay check), but Scarlett is clearly drawn to us wordsmiths. I suppose this is her way of getting over me.
What Scarlett and I had was beyond words. Seriously, I have no words for it.
Oh, but she found a few.
"I don't like jealous behavior," she is quoted as saying. "It's really unattractive because it shows a sort of insecurity."
So now I'm insecure, too?
Why can't she just come out and say my jealousy and insecurity forced her into the arms of the Frenchman (no one, by the way, is ever forced into the arms of a Norwegian). My insecurity was that unattractive? Scarlett has conveniently forgotten how she used to think my insecurity was kind of cute.
Let me tell you how we met.
Several years ago, when I was a reporter for The Baltimore Sun, I interviewed Scarlett Johansson on the phone. She was staring in some Woody Allen movie.
Because this often happens between gorgeous celebrities and middle-aged, pouty features writer, we made a soul connection. Minutes on the phone with Scarlett felt like even more minutes. She made me laugh. I made her pretend to laugh. We didn't want the conversation to end even though her publicist on the other end of the phone broke in to tell me my 15 minutes were up.
We could have talked for 16 minutes -- we had that much chemistry.
I'm not proud of how I acted next.
I became jealous when she married that Ryan Reynolds dude. I was jealous when she starred in movies with Owen Wilson, Javier Bardem, Matt Damon and God-knows-who-else in Hollywood.
She never said anything, but I know my jealousy put her off. After that 15-minute phone interview, we never spoke again. Nor did her publicist ever call me back.
The years have mellowed me. A nicked heart mends.
Would I have done anything differently?
Been less jealous, less insecure?
Yes, yes.
But I am the jealous kind.
Scarlett is marrying a man named Romain. Scarlett and Romain. Together, they will have gorgeous, leafy children. How can I compete with that?
No, I must move on and wish her all the happiness in the world with the Frenchman/former journalist whose arms I forced her into.
I won't stop loving because of Scarlett. I won't stop reading "People in the News," either.
Did you see where Raquel Welch turned 73?
73.
Still.