The Secret : A Testimonial

What a week it's been. It's all because of this DVD. It's called The Secret. Laura left it on her bedside table and I played it while she was off in the next room, packing her thirty-six pairs of pants suits for our five-day trip to South America. The Secret made me realize a whole bunch of things, including why Laura was so good on Larry King last week when she said, "Many parts of Iraq are stable. But of course what we see on television is the one bombing a day that discourages everyone." She's so right. If only we didn't know about the bombings in Iraq, life would be so much better for everyone. It's just like that theory, which needless to say the media doesn't understand at all, about a tree falling in the forest, and if nobody hears it, it didn't even fall.

I have to admit I was dreading the trip to South America, but after I watched The Secret I realized that in less than a week I could reverse six years of total apathy. For instance, I just had to pretend I had an energy policy and then I'd have one. "Thoughts become things." "It works every time." So I had lots of fun saying that I was going to do something about the oil crisis and talking about ethanol. Nobody really understands ethanol. Nobody really understands it takes more energy to make ethanol than it actually saves. But who cares? It sounds good and therefore it's good. That's what it says in The Secret, anyway, and it makes sense. The Secret also says that pretty much everything that happens to you is your fault including traffic jams, which certainly explains to me why poor people are poor and sick people are sick. It even says that you shouldn't bother reading books. Not that I've been reading books. But I've been telling people I've been reading books, and now maybe I won't have to any more.

Anyway, we're almost done with our trip, and so far we've been having a really swell time. Someone told me there were lots of demonstrations wherever we went and they burned me in effigy. And that guy in Venezuela called me a political cadaver. What a card. I mean, I'm just not going to let negative energy like this bother the New Me. Here's the deal: if people demonstrate against you, they really want to be your friend. If people say bad things about you, it just means they're trying to make a connection. And if you don't even mention their names, maybe they'll go away.

Meanwhile, I've been thinking that this new troop surge in Iraq isn't really going to cut it, so I've decided to send several thousand more soldiers over there than I said I was going to. Who's going to stop me? No one, that's who. Because if you want things to happen, they happen. You can manifest them and that's that.

One last piece of good news I forgot to mention: Scooter Libby was convicted this week. Now we can put that Valerie Plame mess behind us and focus on what we really want to do, which is subpoena as many journalists as we can and see who's leaking stories to them. This is going to be a whole lot easier because we managed to fire all those sourpuss U.S. attorneys. Should I pardon Scooter Libby? Tricky question, but I don't have to think about it. I'm just going to send him a copy of The Secret, and see if he can't get me to give him a pardon by focusing a lot of positive thoughts in my direction. The Secret says, "You are the most powerful transmission tower in the world." I couldn't have said it better. So beam me up, Scooter, and we'll see what happens.

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