The Secret Lives of Appliances

I just wanted a new dishwasher.

The old one finally bit the dust. For the last month or so, it would cycle through 1/3 of a regular wash cycle and then start flashing different codes at us. Each time, we'd pull out the manufacturer's booklet and page through it until we found the corresponding alphanumeric code and directions for correcting the error.

"E3" = Failure to dispense dishwasher soap.

"C41" = Rinse cycle unable to commence.

"OO7" = Failure to drain.

"A113" = Don't feel like washing the lower rack.

"FU" = Don't feel like washing the upper rack.

"WTH" = What do you people want from me?

"WOPR" = Give up already.

"CPE1704TKS" = Implosion imminent.

I suppose we knew it was The End when the dishwasher stopped less than 3 minutes into the cycle one evening, and no matter what we did, we couldn't get the flashing code to stop. We left the door open. Still flashing. We shut the breaker off, waited, then turned it back on. Still flashing. We tried changing the type of wash cycle. Still flashing. It was as if the appliance was fighting for its right to die. We should have known it was nearing the end the night Tim pulled a baby bottle part out of the drain innards of the dishwasher during one of our more recent resuscitation attempts. (I should mention the dishwasher came with the house. We haven't lived here at any time when baby bottles or baby bottle parts have been part of our lives. That's at least 3 years that plastic nipple has been wrecking havoc in the dishwasher.)

So we reluctantly went kitchen appliance shopping. As it was Sunday night, we checked online first. And we actually found one we liked with the features we wanted! From a reliable and well-known retailer! AND it was on sale! Only 2 left! Buy now! FYI: delivery and installation extra! FYI: did we tell you about the hoses costing extra? FYI: because you're address ends in a "5" and you ordered during a Blue Moon on a Sunday night, we have to charge you extra!

Whatever. Did I tell you the dead dishwasher was absolutely, packed-to-the-gills full? And that we couldn't get the 6-7 gallons of water settled at the bottom of the tub to drain? And guess who spent Monday morning washing 2 days' worth of dishes?

Tuesday was to be delivery and installation day.

I got a phone call on Tuesday, saying it would be delivered between 1pm & 4pm on Wednesday.

I got an email Wednesday morning, saying it would be delivered between 4:45pm and 6:45pm on Thursday.

Today at 1pm, I got a phone call from the installer saying "I'll be there in an hour, is the dishwasher there yet?"


"Aren't you bringing it with you?" I asked (relatively calmly, all things considered).

"No. I just install them."

8 phone calls and and 1 hour and 47 minutes later, I now know my dishwasher is "somewhere in the area," they can't reschedule my installation until Saturday "sometime," thus I will have chapped and wrinkled hands until Saturday night, and I will also be hearing the Looney Tunes theme until then.

Gosh, aren't modern conveniences convenient?